I’m tired of waiting.

I don’t know what is wrong with me this Big Brother season - maybe it is cabin fever, which from the leaks I have read about the Big Brother house might be rather appropriate.

So in a moment of insanity I am now going to reveal the names and bios of some house guests. I sure would check out the live feeds if this was who Julie announced was in the house on the CBS Early show this Wednesday.

The theme this season has to do with secrets, every house guest will apparently have some secret that the other house guests may or may not discover while they are in the house. And with no further ado I give you 9 of my 14 house guests and their secrets (All cities/towns are real):

• Madison, 23 - Cut and Shoot, Texas. Madison, a pom pom girl for the local semi pro football team, the Candian Dirt Kickers, has never seen an episode of Big Brother, as a matter of fact she has never seen any television due to her family’s religious beliefs (that would be her secret as well). Her hopes are to charm her way through the plotting and backstabbing.
• Jacob, 27 - Hell, Michigan. Jacob has applied to be on Big Brother every season and this is his lucky year. Jacob’s secret is that he has never learned to do the laundry. His plans are to slip his garments into everyone else’s dirty clothes and survive the entire run without having to do a load on his own.
• Daniel, 35 - Needles, California. What more of a secret can you have than that you have actually been involved with Big Brother since season #2? Daniel’ secret is that he has been one of the camera operators for the last six seasons and he plans to use that to his advantage.
• Pat, 29 - Oddville, Kentucky. The rumors were true, and “Pat” is the proof. Will the other house guests realize that Pat’s secret might be a bit unsettling? Pat prefers the term ‘Pre-Op’ but I am sure if his/her secret is discovered in the house there will be a lot of other names tossed around.
• Olivia, 64 - Monkey’s Elbow, Arizona. When her picture is revealed on Wednesday you will be shocked, and you will know her ’secret.’ Olivia holds the Guinness Record for the most plastic surgeries and it shows. She is often carded when she goes out to the bars with her 30 year old boyfriend. She proudly wears the title of ‘Cougar’ and hopes to lure two or three of the younger men into her lair.
• Andrew, 16 -Novelty, Missouri. How can a 16 year old be on Big Brother you ask? Very simple when said 16 year old is an emancipated minor. Andrew has an IQ of almost 200 and loves games. Originally he was slated to be on Survivor but his asthma and allergies to saltwater and rice prevented it. Andrew plans on pretending he is celebrating his 17th birthday in the house and his hopes are that “Big Brother” will let them all watch a “R” rated movie together for his party.
• Milo, 25 - Oatmeal, Texas. Milo, who prefers the nickname “Bubba” weighs in at a hefty 353 pounds and will be the heaviest contestant ever in the USA version of Big Brother. As to his secret, he has a fear of heights and will never go up to the Head of Household bedroom even if he wins the coveted position.
• Hannah, 22 - Dead Horse, Alaska. Hanna has been a cover model for “Dog Sled Monthly” six different times and says that she thinks she can use her charms and feminine wilds to keep the men from voting her out of the house. Her one big secret is that she is completely color blind and thus will depend on her house mates to help her in contests and sorting laundry (just don’t ask Jacob!).
• Billy (Chen), 32 -Buttzville, New Jersey. Julie Chen isn’t the only fan of Big Brother in the Chen clan. That’s right, this season her younger brother Billy will be in the house. Julie has promised not to reveal the connection and if Billy wins he will be giving the money to his favorite charity, “Safe Haven For Donkey’s In The Holy Land.” I gotta admit, someone playing for charity almost makes ya wanna root for him.

So there you have it, nine of the wildest contestants I can ever recall. Can you just imagine what the house will be like once they are inside? You aren’t buying this right? Please tell me you knew it was a joke. Please?

Julie reveals the 14 REAL house guests Wednesday morning on “The CBS Early Show” and I’ll let you know who they are as soon as I know myself!

If you don’t mind ’spoilers’ be sure to check out my main Big Brother 9 Page. I keep it updated with everything that is going on in the house including lots of things that haven’t been shown on the TV show.

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