| Gail | Monday, July 09, 2001 - 03:40 pm 
Bunny Tales
Welcome to the Live Feed summaries!
The gang is gathered outside discussing out-of-wedlock pregnancies. I'm bored. I think I'll count Nicole's tattoos.
Wait, she's not here! It appears that the soon-to-be-ex-houseguest is in the bathroom with Hardy. Hardy in a towel. Snap it off, Nic, quick! I'll pay ya! Thank goodness I left the feed where they were discussing important issues.
Mike's out of his Director/Football attire and back into something more suitable for summer in California. I must make a mental note to keep track of the various forms of headgear he seems to have on hand. So far, the tally reads Goofy Hat Turned Backwards, Goofy Hat Turned Forwards, Hood on a Sweatshirt and now, folks, we have another to add to the list. He is wearing a black stretch headband. Tennis, anyone?
Autumn talks about her stint on unemployment. Anyone care to tell her it's probably not over?
Each is called into the Diary Room one by one. I hope something interesting is going on in there, because Will and Shannon and their nightly backgammon game is not my idea of entertainment. Can't they at least play with someone else once in a while?
But now it's getting interesting! Whats-her-name, yeah, Shannon, is flirting with Will, hinting that she would jump him if the power went out, and telling him he caught her "staring at his package." And Will says, "I'm sensing that there's an attraction." He is ready to act on "serving her needs," and she feigns indignance. "I would SO not hook up with anyone in this house just for sex." Will: "How do you define 'hook up?'" She says "Sex." He says "Kissing is hooking up to me." I say both of you shut up.
Shannon leaves Will and Hardy to begin their own game of backgammon (thank God!), but then she returns quick as a wink. You can't convince me she's running from Will! For a minute there I thought I was going to have it made watching the Incredible Hunks without her.
Switch feeds to Autumn with her arms around Justin. Justin tells Autumn all about the girls of Dallas. "They all have big boobs." Justin tells her if she wants to hear more of his stories, she has to look at his Calico ••••. I hope I didn't hear that right.
The talk turns to Kent's wayward first wife, cocaine in the entertainment industry, plastic surgery, Autumn hitting up Playboy for an interview after lipo, and then food. If you want to know all Kent's kids' favorites, just ask me.
Bunky, Sheryl, and Krista are in the kitchen. (Did Bunky forget to pack a shirt?) Speaking of clothing, I vote Sherrie Best Dressed By a Long Shot.
2nd best line of the day (not!): Justin says to Sheryl: "You just went from the mom I want to f--- to the mom I'm GONNA f---." Who IS this guy?!
The evening of July 6
places Kent and Bunky alone together in the bedroom. Now THERE'S a story line for CBS to work with! Bunky tells Kent how hard it is being the only gay person in the house. "Not even a lesbian! And then to top it off I have to work out in front of Hardy!" Gotta love Bunk.
The big news here, of course, is that Kent and Bunky seem to have bonded. Perhaps it's a ruse for the sake of the game, but we'll take it. Meanwhile, here's hoping that Kent's wife doesn't catch this tete-a-tete on TV without smelling salts handy.
Kent switches the conversation to alliances. Bunky says he's not interested in any alliance. Maybe if Matt Damon was in the house, right, Bunkster? Kent wants to badmouth the rest of the group. Bunky leaves the room. I'm glad he did; otherwise, we might not have heard his rendition of "The Monkees" theme song. The lyrics hit me as appropriate.
Autumn, she loves those cute little Monkees! "Mike, don't you love the Monkees?," she asks. Mike is debating whether or not he likes them better than the Partridge Family. Lord, deliver me another feed. The brain power in this room is overwhelming.
No such luck, or I should say, no such sound. Sherrie and Justin are playing backgammon outside but there's no audio. Pity. A conversation between Beauty and the Beast would have been interesting.
Back to the couch, and just in time, too. Will asks Hardy if he would rather French kiss a homeless man or bang Shaq. Hardy takes the kiss. He's not gay! Time to make my pitch. Hardy, honey, live with me and I'll never make you French a homeless man. I'll never even make you French kiss me. Well, maybe on Christmas.
Time for an update on Shannon. "You guys aren't talking about sex?
Sorry, I have a one-track mind." End of scintillating update.
Nope, I spoke too soon. She wants a rundown on all the names of the Brady Bunch. Someone asks Bunky who was a better gay guy: Mike Brady or Rock Hudson. Bunko chooses Rocko. Krista chooses Tom Cruise.
Autumn likes to play grownup by using the F word. Sheryl hates the F word. I don't know the others' views on the F word yet. I'll keep you posted.
(However, I have a good idea that Justin is for it.)
Mike has gone into the Diary Room, summoned by BB. His hat hasn't made an appearance today, by the way, although I did spot him on the couch with a hooded sweatshirt.
Now we're on to some discussion about Kent's farts. How would you like to be known as the BB Guy with the Best Ones? Can he surpass Eddie in this category for the All-Time BB Best Farter title? Me thinks not.
Mike has returned with BB's assignment to make a home movie. Hardy wants to do synchronized swimming. I imagine Shannon will vote for this because it will give her a chance to wear another of her 30 suits. 3 down, 27 to go. Someone let me know if she brought any regular clothes. If not, I might take up a collection to buy pants for her and Bunky.
Autumn confronts Krista in the bathroom about her stance on alliances and cliques. She asks her if she's part of the Will/Shannon/Mike group. Krista prefers to remain neutral. Autumn considers herself part of the Kent group. Krista says it's divided into 5 against 6 (no longer counting Nicole)? Not sure who belongs with whom in the division. Got Kent/Krista/Autumn/Justin against Mike/Will/Shannon, but I'm not sure where Monica, Sheryl, Hardy, and Bunky fit in from Krista's point of view. All I know is that Krista is planning on cooking some good ol' Cajun pork with some matahs and peppahs, and that Autumn wants her to hurry up and do it. She hasn't eaten since she sneaked the pretzels.
The rest of the time before dinner is spent making the video. Mike and Will seem to be in charge of this. They are quickly emerging as the leaders of he group. Who would have thought that Belly Mike with the goofy hat would be brought out front and center as HofH and mastermind of the first big group project? He changes into his Director's outfit - a lovely football jersey. And is he wearing pads under there? Yep, you gotta come ready for anything when you enter the BB house. "Let's see. I might have to direct a movie. I better pack my football gear."
THONG ALERT: Shannon, who else? Only this time she comes equipped with a napkin attached to the back of her thong, covering her rear end. Maybe because she's in the kitchen and people want to eat? Let me zoom in on the nappy. Ah, it says, "Lift this to view the Crack Capital of the World."
The Houseguest Film Crew is going from room to room filming various parts for their movie assignment. Nicole is sitting alone outside at the table, with Sherrie not too far away sunning on a lounge chair. Sher, ever heard of a thing called the Ozone layer?
The video is completed and we now have Will wooing Shannon outside on the lounge chairs. He tells her he's the perfect man. I beg to differ. But he IS perfect for the goofball he's talking to.
Kent is "alone again, naturally" by the pool. Justin kindly tries to get him to join the others inside for dinner. Instead, Kent moves to the hot tub.
I believe Justin has worn a towel all day. A towel for morning interaction, a towel for filming the movie, a towel for dinner. Perhaps Bath & Beyond might want to clue into this and start a new BB line, featuring the Jumbo Justin Super Absorbent.
All are chowing down and the fast is officially over. Sound the trumpets!
In reviewing the live feed posts for the night of July (after dinner in the BB house), I think I can get the gist of the theme of the evening. It was the "Are we talking about sex enough, CBS?" night.
From what I could gather, we had
BUNKY ESPOUSES THE JOYS OF ANAL SEX.
Ouch! Next.
KEN'S ENORMOUS TOOL MAKES HIS WIFE RUN FOR COVER
Well, consider the tool box.
WILL PLAYS FOOTSIE WITH SHANNON
This is not news. Will has played footsie with every woman that ever crossed his path. And he was talking the whole time he was doing it.
MIKE PRESSURED TO CHANGE HIS NOMINATION
Now this IS something to talk about. Didn't Arnie himself make a public statement that the producers wouldn't influence the outcome of the show in any way? Of course, Arnie also said that CBS didn't receive a single e-mail from outraged viewers regarding ppv feeds. I guess that's life in (sing along with me here) Hol-ly-wood, where all the peeps are boneheads, Hol-ly-wood....(my apologies to all of you honest LAers who somehow got
mixed in the bunch) 
More tidbits from the night:
NICOLE VOWS TO FIGHT TOOTH & NAIL TO BECOME THE NEXT HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD
Hard to do, sweetie, when you're no longer in the house.
WILL'S FAVORITE CANDY CONTAINS A DELICIOUS MARSHMALLOW LAYER
Will loves anything with marshmallows. Including vomit.
BUNKY'S HAD NO "HARD ON" SINCE HE ARRIVED
Poor Bunky. Hardy, give him something to work with, will ya? I'm co-dependent and I want Bunky to be happy.
NICOLE ASKS FOR A PEEK AT KENT'S WANG DANG DOODLE
For Heaven's sake, why? Don't we all know she's seen a few in her life?
WILL USES LINES FROM THE '80S TO TRY AND PICK UP SHANNON
Will: What's your sign?"
Shannon: Capricorn
Let it be noted that they are huddled under the covers while this conversation is taking place. Will also wants to know what Shannon likes about him (hair, eyes, teeth, vomit stories). Shannon says they will get to know each other in the house but not have sex. I guess she is remembering what Kent shared with the others and doesn't want to commit herself to Will quite yet, not knowing how his Johnson compares to Kent's king-size killer.
KENT TELLS HARDY: "I WON'T DO ANYTHING DEMEANING WITH MY DAUGHTER WATCHING."
I guess she already knows about his...you know.
HOUSEGUESTS DISCUSS STRATEGY THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX
Yes, from time to time it happens. The producers even allow it. The houseguests are contemplating voting out Sheryl instead of Nicole because they consider Sher a bigger threat. I, for one, am unhappy to hear this because I will miss Sherrie's parade of fashion. I adore the darling thing. Note to Sheryl: If'n you go, leave your clothes for Bunky. A few for Shannon, too.
JUSTIN SHOOS AWAY KRISTA
Krista tells Nicole that Justin doesn't want her to sleep in his bed. Earth to Krissie: You mean you WANT to sleep in his bed??? I guess she refused to look at his Calico C--k.
JUSTIN IS GOING FOR HIS MASTER'S DEGREE
I thought that in itself was worth printing. And worth closing with as well.
It's morning time on July 7
Bunky is resplendent in black underwear. BB calls him into the Diary Room to tell him to wear darker clothes. What are they talking about? Yesterday he had on navy underwear. Today he has on black underwear. What more do they want? Maybe they told Bunky to wear clothes, period.
Hardy announces he has quit smoking. Wait until he meets me and I get under his skin. He'll be back on the puffs in no time.
Mike graced the Diary Room with his soldier at attention. Perhaps the General needed the solitude and quiet of that arena before he could calm down. But then again, Mike is all alone in the HofH room, isn't he? Couldn't he use some of that ice from his personal fridge to cool his little friend down? What do I know? I'm female. Maybe it's a manly man's thang to approach the confessional with your Best Pal in fine form for all to see. The most important thing to know is, was it wearing a hat?
Will seems to have stolen Mike's headband. Time to start that hair care line, Willie. The headband ain't doin' the trick.
But Mike need not worry that his supply of headgear is dwindling He is wearing a bandana today, and I bet he has a few more in all different colors.
The houseguests have a luxury challenge that involves spelling (no comment) and are rewarded with favorite meals. I do believe Krista actually chose eggs. Maybe she entered the BB house hoping for those chickens to be there. How do we know she doesn't have a thing for roosters?
Bunky announces that he's my boogie man. "I'm your boogie man, boogie man.....hey, if they ever play us some music you're gonna see me get my groove on." The other males back away. I, on the other hand, am inspired to get out my KC & the Sunshine Band collection and play a few tunes in Bunky's honor.
The boys are working out in the yard and Bunky reaches out to help Justin. Skin touches skin, and Justin tells Bunky to keep his hands off him. "The next time that happens, I may hitchoo, man." Yeah, Justin, like Bunk would even wantchoo.
I've always admired a man who works out for an hour and then continues his health regimen by lighting up a ciggie. Atttention all tobacco companies: I think you've found your next spokesperson in Justin. "You, too, could look this good if you smoked Marlboros."
Kent says he's going into the Diary Room to quit. Oh, he's just jivin'! Kent, you jokester, you! And that would have meant some DRAMA, and I don't know if we could handle that. We're getting used to boring footage.
Our Daily Update on Justin's Bodily Functions includes his description of his Calico C--k. Man, can it stretch. Guess it's been lifting weights along with its owner. Wonder if it smokes.
First Best Line of the Day comes from Will: "I don't wear white after Labor Day. There are just some things I won't do." This after he says he would suck the skin off a c--k for half a mil. I guess he just won't do it wearing white.
I'm going to sign off for a little bit while I wait for Hardy to develop a personality so I can marry him.
July 7 Afternoon
Krista doesn't want to cut Bob/Wilson the watermelon. She considers him a mascot and a friend. I don't want to spoil the party by reminding Krista that Wilson the Volleyball was in a MOVIE and this is REAL LIFE. Besides, Wilson didn't fall into a food group category. If he/it had, Tom Hanks would have had no problem cutting into his round self.
I'm losing my fondness for Bunky. His comment to others to "talk into my penis mike" may have been what did it for me.
Hardy warns the people in the pool not to drink the chlorine. Did we ever get an IQ analysis on these people?
Bunky's last landlord kicked him out because his body hair was stopping up the drain all the time. Nicole tells him he doesn't have to apologize for being hairy. I say to cut down on the body hair by continuing to shave a BB2 in your back for the rest of your life.
Revelations of the day:
(1) Autumn won on Star Search six times. Now that she has told us this bit of info, she feels like breaking into song on a whim. BB says stop it.
(2) Kent auditioned for Temptation Island. I'm tempted to say something here.
(3) Monica is an actress. She has a collection of wigs that she has brought into the house. They are not different colors like Brittney's collection. Krista enjoys putting on the Afro and pretending to be Will. "Honey, don't you want to date me?" The answer is no to you, and no to Will.
(4) Kent wants to have a Drag Night. See Item 2.
(5) Sheryl owns a vibrator. Oh, silly, who DOESN'T?
(6) Will would bang Brad Pitt for $500. Is everyone on this show GAY???
(7) Kent goes to the gay chat rooms. See Item 2.
(8) Justin shaves his arms. I guess between periods when he's studying for his master's degree.
Mike and Will loll about on the hammock and confess to each other that they both want to bang Sheryl. ( Add "bang" to Will's Favorite Word list.) Neither likes Autumn, neither likes Kent but they don't consider him a threat, and they think Krista might be a Wicka High Priestess. They don't think any of the girls will ever vote against Hardy, and they have had it with Bunky and his graphic reporting on the sex life of a gay man. They think Nicole was cast as "the ••••• character" and that Justin is probably being edited to be the big dumb lovable lug.
Enter Justin who talks about being cast on an episode of "The Sopranos." BUT, listen up, folks! He then starts in on Alan Greenspan, and interest rates, and stock options, and enough knowledge of the financial world to lead me to say, "Hey, the big dumb lovable lug is a genius!"
That sets my head to reeling, so I need to break away for a breather.
More tomorrow
--Bunny |
