| Bunny | Sunday, September 09, 2001 - 08:25 pm 
Bunny Tales
Welcome to the Live Feed Summaries!
September 9, 2001
Back from seclusion after Hardy's eviction, I'm ready to get back to work. I know it was only two days, but how can you miss something you never had, right? Besides, today's the Live Chat with Slick Willy and who would want to miss that!
Yes, BB has announced that Will won America's Choice and he'll be chatting in the Diary Room momentarily. Nicole didn't throw any plates or sharpen any knives, so I guess Will's getting the all-clear that it's okay to win this one.
I can't imagine why the voters would choose Will over Monica or Nicole. Monica would have answered all the questions with riddles that would have been fun to decipher after the chat was over. This is Sunday, and it would have been a change from the NY Times crossword puzzle.
Admittedly, Nicole would have been a challenge for the typist - all those ### and --- and !!! But just to see her being forced to talk to the "Net Nerds" would have been interesting. There were a couple of recipes I've been wanting, and I really wanted to know why she chose circular-shaped tattoos rather than squares, but the voters have spoken and we're getting Will.
Before the chat, Nicole joins Will in the kitchen while he makes protein shakes for the two of them. He adds some Lucky Charms cereal to his. "Nicole, you are really missing out by not mixing Lucky Charms into your shake." Nicole stuns the viewing audience by replying, "I hate Lucky Charms." No doubt she doesn't find them magically delicious. And I don't find her magically amusing.
A magic spell is what it's going to take to turn Nicole from a shrew without a clue to a lass with some class. Nothing else seems to work - not the banners, not BB's confirmation, not the reprimands of her fellow players. So, maybe she IS making a mistake not throwing a few of those Lucky Charms into her shake. Something is certainly working for Will, and, contrary to popular opinion, I don't believe it's his dirty shorts.
Nicole says her nose is distorted from sleeping with the nasal strips. She says she can't sleep without them. You know, that's another question I would want to ask her in an internet chat. What in the heck are those things FOR?
Will sits down in the HOH room for his chat, where he answers questions about Bunky's hairy body, Hardy's jacked body, Nicole's complaining body, and everything in between. Lame questions all around, but we didn't really expect good ones, did we? Like, "You know those little toys and presents that Nicole threw back in the storage room? Well, were there any barrettes in there?" or "Is it true that the longer you live with Monica, the easier she is to understand?" or "Do you think Nyquil is the designer drug of the new millenium?" or "Do you think Hardy would ever date a rabbit?"
While Will is gone, Monica and Nicole engage in Girl Talk. Nothing about rollers or fingernail polish or buttons and bows, more like Nicole saying, "I'm a sore loser" and Monica saying, "That's not good." I'm just sorry that the world is listening to Will's chat right this minute and no one probably heard Nicole make that incriminating statement. We're talking about a missed phenomenon, folks, kind of like Haley's comet. If you don't catch it when it comes, it may not come again for a long, long time.
Following the chat, Will joins Nicole and Monica in the backyard to fill them in on some of the questions. He covers most of them, including one about how Will deals with Nicole's whining. Nicole wants to know how he answered it. He says that he blamed it on editing. (Liar, liar, pants on fire.) He tells Monica that someone asked about her funny personality. (Pinocchio, you're killing me.) He forgets to tell them about this question: "Do you have a soul?" I thought that was the best one posed. Or at least the best one allowed to be posed.
After some conversation about mundane subjects, Nicole brings up the complaint question again. "Will, did you really answer that question nicely?" She says she's concerned that the TV show is portraying her inaccurately as a complainer. Sweetie, have some Lucky Charms.
I've decided that one of Nicole's problems may be that she wears black all the time. We might suggest that she borrow one of Monica's neon-colored outfits to lift her spirits. Or maybe she could bleach her hair while she's in the house. You know what they say about blondes. Food for thought.
I really do think that Nicole has a future with the Cooking Channel. I'm not kidding. Just think of all the people out there who have to cook every night and hate it. They are angry about having to shop in the crowded supermarket, they are angry when they run out of paprika, they are angry about being tied to a stove, and they are angry that no one appreciates their efforts.
In steps Nicole and her show, "Cooking Blows!" In Episode One, "Your Life = Pain; Therefore, You Have to F'in' Cook Tonight," she shows you how to REALLY complain when you cook, with tips on how to blame everyone else for your misery. Burn the souffle? Blame the person who rang the doorbell. Put in too much salt? Blame your kid. The rice doesn't get done the same time as the meat? Well, whose fault is THAT? Certainly not the cook's! And you don't have to f'in' take it anymore!
Will spends the better part of the afternoon making a bracelet with Monica's jewelry-making kit, one of her prizes from BB. I don't like the way he's matching his colors, and I silently wish Bunky was there to give some assistance. He would know not to put a purple bead next to a lime green - something that Will clearly doesn't get. But then, if he's making an ankle bracelet for Shannon, who cares?
I hope his intentions are to try and dazzle Nicole with his faux gems. Jewels, accompanied with a little Sangria, might buy us some hot tub action, and we're overdue. One paltry internet chat does not a day's entertainment make.
Nicole doesn't want the Gummi Bears that BB gave them. She says the texture freaks her out. Ah, using the old texture phobia cop-out, are we? Didn't BB say they could call in the psych any time? Nikki, don't lose that number.
There shouldn't be a problem anyway. Why not stick with the vegetarian rule of thumb - never eat animals or candy shaped like animals. No Jello Jigglers shaped like frogs. None of those Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers. No Spaghetti-O Dinos or Tony the Tiger cornflakes. And absolutely NO Gummi Bears. I hear they're loaded with texture.
Monica is sorry that she missed VH-1's "Behind the Music: Barry White." Ah, yes, Mr. Satin Soul. He's the guy who puts about 20 words in every song title: "You're My First, My Last, My Everything." That's one song. "It's Ecstasy When You Lay Down Next to Me." That's two. "I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little Bit More, Baby" and "Baby, We Better Try to Get It Together" and "I'll Do For You Anything You Want Me To" are three more. I'm not surprised that Monica likes a singer who writes songs with wordy titles. I can almost hear "I Know What I Know and I Don't Know What I Don't Know" now.
Nicole shares a story with Will and Monica that her old beau Disco Inferno was a panelist on VH-1's "The List." I really hope they ask him back to host another edition and that some of the HGs are LGs. The topic would be Disco Music, of course, and the guests would have disco names: Party Hardy, Boogie Woogie, Funky Bunky, Sistah Krista. Bunky would win, as well he should - because the prize would be a night in the ring with D. Inferno himself, and we all know how Bunky loves wrestling. Burn, baby, burn.
Monica sneezes repeatedly and keeps tissue at hand. Nicole doesn't know what is wrong with Monica. As usual, she thinks the whole thing blows.
Say, speaking of Disco Inferno, maybe we should ask BB to bring him into the house to surprise America's Sad Sack. But, frankly, that would just be asking for a "Burn, baby, burn" banner from her husband, and I think we need to try and save him a few bucks. Therapy ain't cheap.
Nicole is worried about the skin on her nose and asks Will to take a look. You know, these people are going to owe Will a bundle for all these house calls.
Will is talking about the opportunities he hopes to have when he leaves the house: opening a business with Mike, writing some comedy, producing BB3, working on MTV to name a few. He tells Nicole, "You know what's funny? If the show does well, we are going to be seeing each other a lot. People are going to be wanting to have us on together." Well, some people.
Will continues, "I just saw the look of horror on your face. You're thinking 'I can't get rid of him - I can't escape.'" Ooh, freaky. I thought he was talking to me for a minute.
Will heads into the bedroom and opens a drawer. He pulls out a million quillion protein bars. So now we know why he voted out Hardy - for his protein supply. Shoulda guessed it.
The HGs wish BB would give them something to read. Monica is tired of reading the Tampon box. Maybe this isn't something that comes up in her literacy program all that often.
You know, I said I was over Hardy, but that's not entirely true. I'm not over him enough to write any more tonight without him being in the story line. A chair is still a chair, even when he's not sitting there, but the BB house is not a home. There's one less bell to answer, and one less Egg Beater to fry. I need to sleep on it. Baby, baby, let me sleep on it. Let me sleep on it, and I'll give you an answer in the morning as to whether or not I can continue writing heartless Hardy-less summaries.
Sigh.
More tomorrow. Maybe.
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