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Message |
Bunny
| Monday, June 30, 2003 - 3:08 pm 
So you've been chosen for the cast of BB4, eh? Well, I'm sure you know that there are rules (the ones from CBS) and then there are RULES (the ones from Bunny). I'll leave it up to you to decide which ones are more important to follow. (Hint: Mine.) Anyway, here they are, so start taking notes.
Rule No. 1: Be clever. I can't stress this enough. If you're boring, Bunny will call attention to your total lack of personality and you will never get a bobble head doll made in your likeness.
Rule No. 2: Put some signature style in your clothing. Bunny needs a way to distinguish you from all the other guinea pigs. Remember Boogie's array of hats? Shannon's bikinis? George's costumes? Bunny hasn't recovered from Hardy's hubba-hubba white shirt or, for a different reason entirely, Will's shorts and Roddy's khakis. You'll have to try really hard to beat the best BB outfit of all time, however: Bunky's blue disco shirt. Although I have to give major props to Gerry and his nothing-says-summer-like-black-socks attire.
Rule No. 3: Adopt a prop. Marcellas received a lot of column coverage because he latched onto Huck. Krista had that dang watermelon. Amy went for the cheese. Just be careful what you align yourself with. You don't want to be known for your bottle of Nyquil or your fascination with steak knives.
Rule No. 4: Embrace the obvious. If you have big bazookas, coat them in peanut butter and do ads for your plastic surgeon. If you're crazy enough to think there's money buried in the garden, by all means, let us watch you try to dig it up. And if you brought a year's supply of Beano into the house to keep gas leaks in check, don't bother bringing it out of your suitcase. Embrace your eau du Bunky.
Rule No. 5: Dance. I mean it. I want to see you dancing whenever possible. Even if there's no music - make some up. Dancing is funny, and Bunny likes funny. She always has time to rewind Curtis's Trinitron dance and Josh #1's tribute to Tom Cruise. Give her some more footage for the BB Dance Party tape.
Rule No. 6: Talk to the camera. You look like an idiot when you do this and it gives Bunny something to rake you over the coals for. She will excuse this moronic behavior if, and only if, you talk to HER. In fact, if you want Bunny to go easy on you, you best carry a rabbit's foot with you wherever you go and wave it in front of cameras like there's no tomorrow.
Rule No. 7: Learn the answers to important questions. If someone asks you your favorite cartoon, say "Bugs Bunny." If you're asked what luxury item you brought into the house, you better have packed your bunny slippers. And if there's ever a chance for you to break out in song, then I better hear "My Bunny Lies Over the Ocean" or "Every Bunny Loves Some Bunny Sometime." Take my advice or nothing can save you.
Rule No. 8: Get drunk. Then fall out of a hammock, or get in bed with Boogie, or dance in your underwear with a broom. Just don't pee in the trash can. Bunny hates that.
Rule No. 9: Cry. After you've fallen out of a hammock, or been in bed with Boogie, or danced in your underwear with a broom and realized the whole nation knows you wear briefs you buy in bulk at Walmart, cry your little eyes out.
Rule No. 10: Ignore any and all animals. They aren't entertaining in the least, not even pigs. Maybe the chickens were a hoot for about half a minute, but Bunny will change feeds if you start hanging out with the pets. Not even Jason could get her to watch that atrocious iguana.
Rule No. 11: If you are the resident handsome hunk, never, ever refer to your male appendage as a "pee pee," a "wee wee," your "love machine," or your "pocket playmate." Nicknames for parts of your anatomy will not go unnoticed by Bunny and you will suffer a long fall from the pedestal she places you on. Heed the warning.
Rule No. 12: Do not ask your family to send hate mail to Bunny. They will lie to you and tell you they will, but in truth, they will be reading her tales and wondering, along with the rest of us, why you signed up to be on a show that documents every single time you pull your underwear out of your crack.
Rule No. 13: The most important rule is to forget about Bunny entirely. Just be yourself and enjoy your experience in the house. Worry about winning the game and manipulating your new friends and avoiding peanut butter. I'll find plenty to write about if you do, and then I won't have to concentrate on your trailer-trash mouth or your huge honker. (Notice I said "concentrate." You don't expect me to ignore those things entirely, do you?)
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