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Bunny
| Friday, July 11, 2003 - 11:37 am 
And we're off!
The live feeds open with Jack and Jun conspiring to vote off Amanda first. Jun: "We need to get rid of all the exes first." Having not yet watched any of the episodes, I'll assume that Amanda is someone's ex. Jack's? Or maybe Jun's? No, that would make it too interesting. Bunny had hoped that some of the estranged couples would have a different makeup other than the same old boy/girl. At least an old man/young girl, or a young buck and the seasoned prostitute he was gifted on the night of his high school graduation, or at least Siamese twins who haven't spoken since their surgical separation during which one of them got the genitals.
But, no, we're introduced to the exes of Scott (Amanda), David (Michelle), Jun (Jee), Erika (Robert), and Alison (Justin), all heterosexual and all unrelated. I don't know any of the breakup stories. Luckily, I missed the first two television episodes during which their sagas were probably relayed to the audience. Knock on wood that they don't repeat them. I tend to get sleepy when the "he said/she said" stuff starts. But, hey, wake me up if someone starts (a)crying, (b)slamming doors, or (c)riding Nathan bareback. I know that (c) is unlikely, but still, remember to wake me up.
One of our first Live Feed glimpses is of Scott - and he has the entire country of the United States of America tattooed on his body. Either this guy really loves his country, or he was worried about flunking a geography quiz in third grade.
Secret Agent Jack (I know he's FBI but I like saying "secret agent") and investment manager Jun are huddled together, discussing 19-year-old Michelle. They are bewildered as to why the father of a teenage girl would allow her to be a contestant on this show. Who knows, guys? Maybe he had a three-month trip to Europe planned and needed a babysitter.
An alliance has already been formed between the first eight houseguests against the ex-lovers. Jack says the initial alliance formed in BB3 disintegrated quickly. Ah, so Jack watched BB3, did he? That means he watched the younguns make mincemeat out of Gerry - and he STILL applied for the show? Makes you wonder how stringent the intelligent tests must be to get in the F.B.I.
Quick scan of the Quad Cam finds Nathan, our first Head of Household, in the shower. Bunny double clicks to enlarge.
Michelle enters the bathroom to put on her makeup. Bunny doesn't notice whether or not she peeks to see what's behind Door No. 1, but Bunny feels certain that it qualifies as a Big Prize.
Nathan tells Michelle that they will leave the show as celebrities. Michelle says she will love it. "I thrive on attention." That's good to hear, Mish, because Bunny will be giving you plenty.
There is talk among the HGs about what type of person would want to watch them on the internet. "Fat sloppy pigs!....(Uh, no)..."because it gives them power!"....(Uh, yeah). And you forgot how funny it is to watch people caged up like monkeys in the zoo, especially when they forget you're watching and they say stupid things and do even stupider things that Bunny writes down and you read about it when you get out and then you feel like an idiot because you vowed you would never forget we were watching but you did. My absolute FAVORITE part is after you read it and then you say you were playing a part and Bunny didn't see the Real You. That wasn't the Real You squeezing your pimples in the mirror and that wasn't the Real You dissing flat chicks and that wasn't the Real You wearing the same underwear nine days in a row. Frankly, I know why I watch. Question is, why do you let me?
Okay, back to the action. Jun is telling the other girls that her parents wanted her to marry Jee. Bunny wishes they would hook up, too, because she pictures them having many children with three-lettered names. Joy, Jim, Joe, Jay. Maybe a set of twins named after movement: Jig and Jog. Or naming them after inanimate objects would be a nice twist, like maybe Jam or Jar. Heck, go crazy and double one of the names. Say "Jar Jar," for instance. Then the kid might get a gig in a George Lucas film.
It appears that the first food challenge has taken place and the HGs aren't getting any meat this week. Nathan says he may have to eat the turtles. What do you bet this guy had issues with the shelled Teenage Mutant Ninja brigade as a kid?
A large group heads for the kitchen to prepare dinner. Scott says he is always thinking about calories. My advice would be to start thinking about chucking that knit cap you've been wearing since God invented sheep.
A few minutes into the cooking, Scott yells that "something smells like rotten a--." Are you sure you didn't take a shower in your hat, Scooter? I've been told that nothing smells like rotten a-- more than wet wool.
Michelle and Nathan head to the basketball court for a game of H-O-R-S-E. Michelle dresses comfortably for the game in a sundress - yeah, you heard me - and yanks it up when she needs to make a shot. Undoubtedly, this is the moment when Bunny realizes that Nathan is lost to her for good. There just ain't no competin' with a bouncing Britney Spears.
Today's Revelations:
(1) Michelle says she was arrested for underage drinking. She also shares that she went to a party and funneled six beers, then let frat boys take photos of her rear end.
(2) Bunny is an alum of Michelle's sorority. This means that when Michelle crosses Bunny's path, she must bow down and do her bidding. It also means she shouldn't cut classes to go on TV, play basketball in a dress, or funnel six-packs at the Sigma Nu house while Archie and Jughead aim a zoom lens at her rump.
(3) Michelle tells Nathan that she drinks with her dad. (See No. 2)
Erika runs in and out of the house, looking for the turtle. Check Nathan's intestines.
Jee says, "I've never seen a girl that can run and not look clumsy running, I hate a girl that can't run!" Then later, "I like fishnet stockings!" So think about it, Jee. When's the last time YOU tried running in a garter belt?
The HGs find a message waiting for them in the living room on the plasma screen: NOMINATIONS TOMORROW. Underneath it in small print is another message: BUNNY, DON'T WORRY. NATE IS HOH SO HE'LL BE TAKING SHOWERS HERE FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER WEEK. Whew.
Jun decides to kill time by painting Nathan's toenails. What is up with this manicurist wannabe? The last time I looked, she was doing her own nails. When she's not filing, buffing, or polishing nails, she's telling nail stories. Did you hear the one about her losing a nail? Yeah, she was roughed up by a couple of thugs who took off with her purse and one of her fingernails, so now she has a fake one. One of her nails is not like the others, one of them just doesn't belong. But as hard as I look, I just can't put my finger on which one.
Anyway, now she's painting Nathan's cute pinkies and while Bunny watches, she can't help but break out into a recitation of her favorite nursery rhyme:
This little piggy goes to market
This little piggy stays home
This little piggy has roast beef
This little piggy has none
And this little piggy stalks Bunny, all the way home
But she doesn't call the cops
Or file a restraining order
And even if she wanted to
She couldn't
Because all the cops are parked outside the BB house waiting for Michelle to start funneling Bud Light
Erika, Jack, Dave, and Scott are outside talking about forming an alliance of four, breaking off from the original alliance of the first eight HGs who entered the house. (The other four are Dana, Alison, Jun, and Nathan.) Scott says that all the women "have their heads up Nathan's butt." (Bunnies, too.) He tells the others to change the subject to sports if Nathan comes outside. Bunny wants to change it to the fact that Scott listens when Bunny talks, and has now removed the skull cap. But don't throw confetti just yet. Underneath the wool he's Michael Stipe. Skinless chicken. Destitute of hair. Please put the cap back on, bro. Or else pass the Dame Edna shades so I can shield the glare.
Inside, Jun is sucking Nathan's toe. (Again with the fingers and toes. Girl, please get another gig. You're beginning to scare me.) It seems they are playing Truth or Dare. Alison is dared into giving a lap dance (Bunny's rule about dancing forgot to clarify that she meant "standing up"). Robert is dared into licking Jun's thigh. And Michelle is dared into massaging Justin's backside. Bunny wants to know when "Big Brother" turned into "Big Brother in Heat."
After the game, Michelle and Nate head to the HOH room and get under the covers. Michelle asks, "Do you think I'm wild?" (Ask Bunny! Ask Bunny!) Nathan says he could never date anyone like her because he wants to be a teacher, and that his parents are probably wishing he would leave the house. "They'll say, 'What were you thinking?'" (Note to Nate's folks: Bunny is not wild. Bunny is also personally responsible for the establishment of Teacher Appreciation Day.)
Nate and Michelle leave the bedroom, with Michelle noting that because of the time zone differences, maybe no one saw them in bed together. (You're right, Michelle. I don't think anyone's watching in Reykivik.) Nate joins Justin, Jun, and Alison to discuss strategy. Jun wants Nate to nominate Scott. Nate says he's considering putting up Amanda and Jee. Everyone agrees that they don't trust Amanda (they think she's a mole, but perhaps they've confused this with a different reality show). They say they'll vote her out, and then go after Erika and Scott. Dana enters the room and is filled in on the plan. She says, "Just tell me how to vote." Well, okay, since you insist - watch for a plane carrying a long banner.
More Revelations:
(1) Alison quit her job two hours after receiving a promotion in order to go on BB. Guess it wasn't her smarts that got her the promotion.
(2) Alison has a boyfriend outside the house who is 6'4". Bet he'd make a good basketball player. Maybe he could borrow Michelle's dress.
Justin and Alison, formerly devoted to each other, have once again formed an alliance. They vow not to vote against each other. Justin: "We never had a problem getting along before we came into the house, and we won't now. You know me well enough to know when I'm lying!" Justin reveals that he has made agreements with Robert and Nate not to vote against them as well. Enter Nate, who tells them he can control who Michelle votes for. "She's clueless about how to play this game." Actually, after that last remark about time zones, I'd say she's clueless period.
David, Robert, and Jee are talking about women. Robert says to always tell them they're amazing and pretend to listen to them when they talk. "Listen to all their bull--- and when they're done talking their a-- off, they love you and think you were listening when you don't know a thing they said." So, Robert, chances are you aren't listening now when Bunny is warning you that you're talking YOUR a-- off and while you're yakking, she's typing - and that's how your best moves with women are revealed on the internet to all your potential prey.
David says it's hard for Rangers to pick up girls. I've heard the same goes for pic-a-nic baskets.
The three turn to talk about the folks Robert likes to call "the internet freaks." "They get excited when we form alliances." That's not exactly true. That's been boring since Survivor I. What we get excited about is when you reveal your foibles to the world, humiliate yourself by licking a stranger's thighs on national television, and realize the only reason you got on the show is because you dated someone who was actually picked. Then we get even more excited when we watch you lose the half mil just when you've spent the money in your head - and immediately upon your exit from the house, you're dropped like a hot potato by CBS instead of starring in Hollywood's next Superhero flick. Yep, that's when we get excited.
Bunny's just kidding. It really IS about the alliances. She wishes you all the best and will do her part in helping you to achieve Superstardom. Just be forewarned that if you keep up the thigh play, it's liable to be in porn.
Hoppy trails,
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