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Bunny
| Wednesday, July 23, 2003 - 1:23 pm 
Jun and Alison are confirming their upcoming votes to one another late on Sunday night. They are planning to vote for Erika to stay and are hoping King Jee and his jesters will be so stunned when Michelle goes that they will be too flustered to do well in the HOH competition. They may have a point there, unless it's, say, a Stone Cold Steve Austin trivia contest, which Justin would undoubtedly win - or any competition that requires adept fine motor skills, a slam dunk for Rico Roberto.
I hate to start picking on Robert (pun most definitely intended), but I did warn incoming HGs that snout-gouging would not be tolerated by this writer. One reason is because it makes me sick - the other is that I wore out all my booger jokes two years ago on you-know-who.
Getting back to the girl talk, Michelle enters the room and asks Jun and Alison if she will be safe from eviction. They lie and say yes. And this is where Bunny herself begins to tear up. She feels sorry for Michelle, you see. The girl is young and naive and should never have been put in the house in the first place. Now she will be scarred for life, not only because this will chalk up as a bad experience for her, but also because people all over the nation saw her dressed as a cabbage (and we're not talking the school play).
Now, I'm not saying Michelle didn't look wonderfully tarty in the lettuce leaves - after all, our very own Eve donned a similar outfit when she cavorted with Adam. It's just that I don't see the point in flaunting oneself in garden vegetables, even if they do make your flanks look smaller than in capri pants.
It took a bit more of the produce section to clothe Alison, but I admire her self-confidence. Anyone who has the nerve to encase her privates in romaine gets my respect. The fact that a source of Bunny's sustenance was chosen has not gone unnoticed, and for that, she'll do her best to strike a deal in Alison's behalf to get a featured spot in the 2004 Produce Growers of America calendar.
Robert says that people are still coming to him wanting Dana out. Jee says that if Dave had used the veto to save Erika, he would have put Jack or Nate up in her place and not Dana. Jee: "People obviously don't respect my judgment. If they can't understand Jee's choice, then that's their problem and they're going to have to deal with something they don't want to do." See, I told you he thought he was King. Kings always refer to themselves in the third person. Kings and bunnies, but one has my permission and the other doesn't.
Justin tells Erika that Hugh Hefner will probably offer her a quarter million to pose for Playboy. I'll offer her twice that much to burn that polka-dot bikini.
While we're on the subject, I would also like to pass along a message regarding a particular HG's bathing suit coverup. Dear Jun: I don't care HOW Jee feels about fishnet - it's better left in the hands of anglers.
Right before bed, Dana tells Justin, Robert, and Jee that she thinks there may be a conspiracy to evict Michelle from the game and keep Erika. The Three Blind Lice don't believe her. (Sorry - I shouldn't call them lice. Only one of them really is, and bugs need love, too.) Dana insists that Nathan is acting suspiciously. "He's my new best friend all of a sudden. I'm telling youse guys - Nathan has something going with Jack and Dave, and they want to keep Erika." (That's fine by me, but just keep in mind my suggestion about the bikini.)
Robert: "No way, man. It has to be Erika."
King Jee: "It's all been settled. This is what they have to do. I've told them time and again."
Justin: "Yeah, that's stupid. Why would they want Michelle out? Michelle will do anything Alison tells her to do. She's an appendage." (An appendage that looks darn good in lettuce and tomatoes. See above.)
On Monday morning, those HGs who are allowed to eat gather in the kitchen for pancakes. Justin says, "This is the life and we're getting paid to do this - sleep late, swim, work out, talk some s--t, eat, go back to bed." True, but you forgot shave Jee's head, throw a few chairs, bed another HG, throw up after you've bedded another HG, dress up in wilted lettuce, probe your proboscis, bash gays, bash Koreans, and pull a twig out of a turtle's a--.
Jun asks Dana if she would rather join the side of Robert, Justin, and Jee or the team of Nate, Dave, and Jack. Dana says she doesn't know. And, of course, we don't want her to decide because then we wouldn't be able to play Where's Waldo anymore.
Robert makes a deal with Justin to split the money if he wins. "I will give you $10,000." Justin says, "How about $50,000?" Robert agrees to hand over the bills. Bunny hopes for Justin's sake that the money is laundered.
Justin says he will return the favor and they shake on the deal, happily before Robert's finger makes his next visit to Nostril Land Amusement Park, and they decide to seek out Jee to include him in on the plan. But not before Justin says he wants to work at Warner Brothers. Robert: "I'll get you straight in, brother. The producers need couriers." Which will be no problem for Justin - he can deliver anywhere. All he has to do is lift his sleeve for a ready-made atlas.
Nate and Alison are in the hammock. Ali: "I don't think my boyfriend is going to be there for me when I get out of here." I can't say I agree with you, Al. (Can I call you Al?) I mean, sure, you've done a bit of bed-hopping. And maybe you've made out with a guy or two. Okay, I guess you do have But none of that is anything that would cause a guy's nostrils to flare (apologies to Robert). I'm sure your Sweet Baboo will be waiting with open arms when you're evicted, ready to pick up your life together. How else will he get a percentage of the autographed tomato bra you sell on Ebay?
The girls all gather in one of the bedrooms to choose their clothes for Wednesday's live show. Everyone is trying on Jun's clothes (don't worry - no one's touching the fishnet) and before too long, the girls have made their selections. All except Erika, who didn't take part in the fashion free-for-all, which scares Bunny a bit. I don't have to tell you why, but it's spelled polka dot.
Jee, Robert, and Dave are talking in the backyard. Jee says that Michelle doesn't know anything - "You'd think she'd know something about life!" (C'mon, man, the girl's still in diapers!) "Ali is bright, but she's f'ing annoying. She lives for attention." (Well, Jee, you're the king, so just do what you have to do.) "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" (Thatta boy.)
Nate asks Jun if she's going to stick with the plan to vote against Michelle. Jun assures him she's still part of the Elite 8 (yeah, I know - not another one) and they give each other a "high five," something that Robert may never experience since one of his digits sees limited light of day.
Jun asks Nate why he doubted her commitment to the group. He says it was because Alison had been having second thoughts about voting against Michelle so he "just didn't know." Jun says she is still part of the alliance "and I think Dana wants back in with us." Go ahead, Nate, take her back. Maybe it will be enough to keep her from peeing on the watermelon.
Oh, yeah, didn't I tell you? Dana is so hungry for the watermelon BB gave them which, because she's on the restricted peanut butter diet, she cannot eat. So out of frustration, she says she might urinate on it. You might recall that last week she was threatening to target someone's head with the same tactic. I don't know if this is a Bronx thing or a Tae Kwon Do thing or just a Demented Houseguest thing, but it reeks.
Justin, Robert, and Jee head to the hot tub for some we-are-one-we-are-invincible talk until Jee gets out for a cigarette (he called for his pipe, he called for his bowl haircut.....) Justin heads inside to get a massage from Dana and Robert uses the time to clean the hot tub, which, luckily, requires only one hand.
Hoppy trails,
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