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Bunny
| Thursday, July 24, 2003 - 5:02 pm 
You're in California, it's the middle of the night on Tuesday, and all of a sudden the house shudders, accompanied by a series of loud booms. Earthquake, right? That's what the HGs thought. But, no. It was only Dave, beating on the window, his latest scare tactic. Even in his sleep, Dave's a 7.2 on the Richter scale.
Erika, Jack, and Dave are in the bedroom they share, contemplating how the HOH competition will go. Jack says he knows that Jee, Robert, and Justin want Alison and Nathan to go on the block together, but Robert is determined to oust Erika. Dave says, "I don't get that. It's not even good gamemanship." That's true, Dave, but when has Robert ever thought things through? Certainly not the night he brought home a stripper, slept with her, and kept her around long enough to bid Erika "Good morning!" And there couldn't have been a lot of forethought, either, when he dialed the 800 number he saw on a late night blue screen and ordered a Flowbee.
In another bedroom, Michelle and Nate are smooching under the blankets, another pointless alliance in the same vein as Dave and Amanda. (This gets you further in the game HOW?)
BB wakes up the HGs on Wednesday morning to practice the HOH competition. Before going out, Robert and Jee share a moment of joy, contemplating the eviction of Erika. Jee: "It's just not possible that Michelle goes home...just not possible." And it's just not possible that your reign as King is almost over. My, how time flies when you're ruling the masses.
Jee tells Robert that he thinks Jun will go far in the game. "The rest of them talk too much. She keeps her mouth shut. (Well, not exactly.) "It was her plan to come into the house and be the mother, to cook for everyone. That would make everyone want to keep her around." (It also gives her first crack at the groceries.)
BB has one more task to take care of before starting the HOH competition practice, and that's to get Jee moved out of the big bedroom. Jee begins to pack his things - his crown, his sceptor - you know, the usual. He takes one long last look at his kingdom as he exits, sad to see it all go, but delighted in the knowledge that he tried to use his power for the common good. He hadn't used the Golden Robe to lure blondes to his bed, as was the practice of his predecessor. No, he used it to get them banished from the castle, risking the wrath of the knights in residence, not to mention the cameramen. But he stood strong, along with his two henchmen, and fought the good fight to rid the land of golden tresses and fake boobs.
Some people misunderstood him, thinking he was Curly in his threesome with Larry and Moe. But he knew he was Shemp, the overlooked Stooge, the one who deserved more credit than he got. (Bunny, slapping forehead in V-8 fashion, realizes her mistake in thinking he was Moe, once again way-laid by the bowl haircut.)
So long, Your Highness. We will miss your ironfisted reign over your loyal subjects. We will miss watching you hold court in your chambers, sipping ale and planning the jousts. We will miss the way you tossed cookies at the maidens to taunt them, and the deft manner in which you used Korean to communicate your battle plans. The King is dead. Long live the King!
Erika is providing Bunny some relief today from the polka dot bikini, but - oh, horrors - she's chosen to wear the ragged shirt with the number 55 on the front, her second favorite mode of attire. Be careful what you wish for, eh? Dave says, "You wear that shirt more than I wear my ugly brown ones." She replies that she knows she does, but she does it for her friends who are watching. Well, E, I bet no one's watching more than I am, and I want that shirt buried in the backyard right alongside the bikini and your sunglasses. Throw in all of Dave's shirts while you're at it, as well as anything made out of fishnet that you find in Jun's drawers and all articles emblazoned with the words "Oklahoma," "Dance Team," or "Meat, Poultry, Fish." Save a few to clothe Justin because the poor boy never seems to have on a shirt. On second thought, don't.
Dave says he enjoys wearing Amanda's hat, which is, coincidentally, the same color as his supply of ugly shirts - and, quite ironically, identical in hue to vomit. What are the odds?
Dave begins to sing one of his own creations: "What to do, oh, what to do, I'm so bored, what to do -- I could eat my shoe, but it tastes like poo..." Again, I'd like to give points to Dave for staying within a theme, this one being his favorite tint. (Guess I better make that BROWNie points then.) I'm also going to award bonus points for making up a song that is bound to catch on with preschoolers everywhere.
After HOH comp rehearsal and some lunch, the HGs start preparing for the Live Show. While showering, Michelle calls Ali over. (It's not what you think, so don't get your hopes up for another shaving cream frenzy a la BB3. Too bad, because this time they would have Jun around to lick it off.) Mish whispers that Nate kissed her under the covers - and, golly gee, she's, like, oh, so excited. More excited than she was on Prom Night. More excited than when she graduated from high school. More excited than she's going to be when she has the thrill of meeting Julie Chen - but I'm jumping ahead.
Anyway, Michelle doesn't realize she's spilling the beans about Nate to his first house conquest. And what was the guy thinking? Way to go, Stud. Didn't your mother ever tell you that you can't bring two fillies into the barn at the same time? We know how you stallions are. Even if you've just shared a bucket of oats with the finest the stall has to offer, when National Velvet comes prancing by, you're going to take a shot.
Unfortunately, Nate's tail-swishing may cost him. Hell hath no fury and all that. We'll see if it turns Ali against him, or if she'll just ask Nate to make room in the bed for her new friend, Seabiscuit.
It's time for the Live Show, and the HGs await the results of the vote. Michelle is evicted by a tally of six to the two merry King's men, who at this moment couldn't be more shocked if an electric eel found its way into their pants. No one is more appalled at the outcome than Michelle herself, who bids everyone "toodles" and makes her exit in tears.
Pass the Kleenex, 'Chelle, 'cause Bunny has a tear or two herself. She hopes you will understand a little better when you grow up that this was just a game and no one felt any animosity toward you - well, except Jun, who never understood what an art form tanning is. The rest of us appreciated that you turned your time into the house into a learning experience - you were taught how to make a salad, you learned how to keep your bangle bracelets from getting wet in the hot tub, and, most importantly, you've educated yourself not to ever, ever trust a power-hungry, poorly-coiffed trio of men who can't see their noses in spite of their faces. Well, maybe one could, but you know what I'm saying.
Good luck to you, Britney. Bunny thanks you from the bottom of her heart for elevating lettuce to a higher status.
Following the tearful goodbye (most of the crying you heard came from the cameramen), the HGs move to the backyard for the HOH competition, which involves answering questions about events that took place in the house over the last two weeks. Dana wins, much to the chagrin of the others. (Look at the good side. The watermelon is saved.) Justin wastes no time finding a place by her side, with his arm draped around her shoulders, as if to say, "You can't nominate me. We have a love connection." (And so does a praying mantis right before his new bride rips off his head.)
Robert, outside with Dana and Justin, wants to know if a few of the HGs accidentally cast the wrong vote. I think you're on to something there, bro. I do think that's what happened. Right after they accidentally decided that Erika offered assets to the house that you couldn't and right after they accidentally discovered that Jee had turned into Henry VIII and right after they accidentally discovered that snot is unbecoming caked on one's forehead. (C'mon, man, you know you can beat this thing. You overcame alcoholism, for Pete's sake. )
Jack, Nate, and Jee join the group, and Robert says, "You guys did a great job. You surprised the s--t out of us." (Note to readers: "s--t" does not stand for "snot.") Jee: "This game is unpredictable. You have to expect the unexpected." (Too bad somebody forgot to tell Michelle.)
Jee goes on to say that he isn't holding a grudge - he's moving forward and respects the others for playing the game so well. Outside with Justin, however, he vows revenge. Jee: "They're really messing with the wrong people. This really hurt me in my heart." (Have some sympathy, folks. Fallen kings are people, too.)
Nate, Alison, and Jun mull over the nominations Dana is likely to make. Ali says, "She hates me so I'm f'ed." Nate: "If she puts me up, I'm going to win the veto and come after her." Jun advises them not to treat Dana any differently than they have been. Ali: "I'll just ignore her as usual." Jun tells Ali that she will help smooth the road for her. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it's Rocky Road, with double nuts and extra marshmallow.
Dana whispers to Robert that she voted the way she was told to by the others because she was threatened and they had the numbers. Rob: "But why keep Erika and not Michelle?" Dana: "Because Michelle was an "ex," and they're going after the "exes." And.....lights, camera, action......there's Robert, having his first important Lightbulb Moment. It's all making sense to him now. He runs to tell Justin that he's not even going to try shmoozing Dana because the handwriting is already on the wall. (And it says, "Taxi?) Justin tells him that only one of them will go, and the two left in the house will keep on kung fu fighting.
Erika, with no help from Jee, notices that the number of girls is dwindling and wants to have a Girl Power meeting in the HOH room. But it will have to wait until later, because Jun has pressing business with Dana.
Jun: "Do you still trust Robert?"
Dana: "I don't know. I'll find out more tonight. Is it better to stay with the original alliance? They will turn sooner or later."
Jun: "I think we have a better chance of beating the five in competition versus the three."
Dana: "I don't know what to do at this point." (BB, you better double the deodorant supply. There's gonna be some big time sweatin' comin' up in here. Somebody pass the popcorn.)
Erika and Alison join Jun and Dana, and Erika tries to explain to Dana why the others didn't trust her. "The whole problem started when you decided to hang out with Justin." Dana: "I like hanging out with those guys." Ali: "We perceive Justin as a threat." Erika: "It's messed up because here you are neutral - you have no 'ex' in the house, where the rest of us do. We have always been in your corner."
Alison says, "You remember that the original eight wanted Justin out first. I understand if you don't want him out." Dana: "He's not someone I want to kiss. He's more someone I want my guy friends to meet." (How about your bunny friends?) Dana: "I have to decide. Why shouldn't I get rid of someone I want out rather than someone you want out? Maybe I can put up one of them against someone I don't trust."
Erika: "I think it's best to get rid of Justin. He's so strong." Dana says she's not sure what she will do, but promises she will put up at least one male. Alison encourages her to guarantee her own safety by putting up two "exes." Dana: "You can't guarantee anything." But Bunny can. She can guarantee that if you even THINK about wearing those horrid frog slippers you've been sent as part of your HOH package, you'll incur the wrath of one cwazy wabbit. There are already more stuffed animals in the house than she can bear. You are GROWN-UPS, people!
Dana: "Nothing scares me. (Paging Dave.) I'll go when I go. I can win competitions. I'm not going to let my fear keep me from doing what is right. I thought for sure that if any of you won HOH, you were going to put Justin and me up." Alison: "Did I not tell you I wouldn't put you up if I won HOH?" Dana: "So one person tells me this and another tells me that - you don't know what is real." Dana halfheartedly says she will probably nominate two of the "exes."
Jun finds Nathan to report Dana's decision, but warns him that she may have a change of heart and go for his throat instead. Have faith, Jun. Maybe the stud can manage to add just one more filly.....
Hoppy trails,
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