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Bunny
| Sunday, July 27, 2003 - 2:22 pm 
Jack and Erika are the first ones awake on Saturday morning. Jack says, "Dana creates a lot of tension." Erika: "She's an attention hog!" Not to be confused with an attention boar, which would be Jack (please give us SOMEthing, man - I'm falling asleep here!) or an attention piglet, which would be Alison and her just-a-little-bit-bigger-than-normal snout but not so big that it falls into the hog nose category. But I'm sure I needn't point out to you that the biggest ham in the house is Dave.
Anyway, one thing that always makes Bunny chuckle is when someone who signs up to go on a 24-hour-live-on-the-internet reality show and parades around from sunup to sundown in a bikini that barely covers her check-these-out-I-think-I-got-my-money's-worth surgically-enhanced mammaries calls someone else an attention hog.
Jun and Dana are up next. Jun heads for the head but on her way out, forgets to wash her hands. Bunny wishes Danielle had seen her. But she didn't, and Bunny did, so now when Jun starts handling the food she's cooking for breakfast, Bunny is worried that all the other HGs are going to get Jun's germs, which may mean they'll all inherit a tendency toward fishnet.
Dana: "Did you have a nice night last night?"
Jack: "I didn't get to have any sex."
Dana: "No one did."
Jack: "Whenever I think about sex, I just brush my teeth."
Huh? I never heard this before - is it some kind of F.B.I. trade secret? Why haven't women been told about this? It could absolutely revolutionize the way they fight off advances from men. Instead of having to lie with "Honey, I have a headache," all they would have to say is, "Sweetie, go brush your teeth." Word to all you ladies who are worn out from widespread prescriptions of Viagra: bombard the drug company with letters demanding that every vial of pills comes with a gratis tube of Crest. Jack, women everywhere thank you.
Alison is up now and Bunny makes a note that Ali also forgets to soap up her mitts after using the bathroom. Heavens, Danielle would have a hey day! And Gerry wouldn't be the lone wolf in the pack, left on the back porch in his black socks to contemplate his exile. No, he would have several members of THE CAST OF BB4 [insert cheers] joining him for failing to lather up.
Also commiserating with him would be Justin, who is now awake and dressing in - you guessed it - Gerry's trademark black booties. I think it's safe to say that there's some serious hero worship going on here.
BB announces that it's time for a Luxury Challenge. The HGs are to draw numbered ping pong balls out of the bag again in order to determine their playing order. Dave pulls out a ball and yells "RRPPPZZTT!" when he realizes his ball has been licked. The number is gone. Everyone looks at Jee. Jun: "Jee, you know this is why I left you three years ago! Consider this an intervention - we're booking you into Betty Ford, my friend. You need rehab for numeral addiction." Jee: "No, it's not as bad as you think. I suffer from ADD - addition-deficit disorder - but it can be kept under control with a Mai Tai and a blonde."
Will champagne do, Jee? Outside, the HGs compete for a candlelight dinner by sitting in a Spin-o-matic Chair for 30 seconds, after which they must carry a glass of champagne on a tray without spilling. Dave is first. He says, "This sucker's cruising - I'm gonna puke!" and Bunny senses immediately that Dave is trying to gain a name for himself as the member of THE CAST OF BB4 [insert cheers] who was always blowing chunks. Ranger Regurgitation manages to hold off this time, however, sending a message to Amanda that only sex with her will do the trick.
Ali takes the win. She is allowed to choose a partner to share her meal and goes with Nathan. Ali: "We're going to be THE story, Nate!" Poor Alison doesn't realize that vapid conversation about dance routines and football trophies do not a show make. We would have much preferred a romantic dinner scene featuring BB4's REAL love match: Robert and Jee. They're no Kent and Bunky, but it's all we've got.
Besides, Robert needs something to lift his spirits. He's in the bedroom crying again. Or at least I think he is. It's hard to tell because he's always sniffling. Anyone see a butterfly?
Jack is dressed in the same shirt he has worn for two weeks. It says, "Sojourners. Go hard or go home." Bunny is wearing one that's almost identical to Jack's, except it says, "Soujourners. Get that shirt the hell off his back."
BB gives the HGs the champagne left over from the challenge and no one is happier than Jee, who drinks more than anyone. Alison is a bit tipsy - or pretending to be (you remember how well she can act) - and, in her bikini, joins Nate, Jee, Robert, and Justin on the back porch. Jee asks her to sit on his lap and have some champagne - and before you know it, he is no longer thinking about numbers (one small step for Jee, one giant leap for Medical Science).
More talk about how they are the best cast EVER. Ali: "We've had so much drama in here - no way could they surpass us." Nate says the guys will have women after them everywhere they go. He might be right. Robert will certainly have a lot of little old grandmothers chasing him down, wanting to wipe his nose. Dave will undoubtedly be the target of female paleontologists. I don't know about Jack. Do any women work for Hair Club for Men?
Jack confesses that he has been a fan of the BB show since the first season. "The viewers voted for all the evictions, and I voted every time." Did you vote to evict Britney, Jack? Because you know there was this whole scandal thing where everyone thought no one voted against Brit except the people in George's town who were allowed to call for free from some cow barn or something. Speaking of George, now that I know you watched the first season, I must say there is absolutely no excuse for you to be boring us so much these days. Why can't you blast off from the shower, or dye your hair green, or look funnier in shorts?
Nate leaves the party early for a nap, but when Alison realizes he is missing, she goes to join him. After a lot of silly rolling around, they fall asleep. A bit later, rolling around in another room are Dana and Justin, who add some kisses to their roll. Dana says, "We're going to be the couple of the show!" and Bunny cracks up thinking about how Alison thinks she and Nate are the couple of the show and how we all know that Amanda and Dave are still the couple of the show if, again, you don't count Robert and Jee.
Jee, overdosed on champagne and blondes, is passed out on a lounge chair. Dana and Jun squirt whipped cream in his ear and in his hand. The rest of the HGs decide to dump him in the pool, but he awakens as they are lifting him and fights to foil their plan. When he discovers that his ear was mistaken for strawberry shortcake, he screams, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Dana and Jun point and laugh, and Jee yells, "SHUT UP! Leave me alone!" (Nanny nanny boo boo.)
Dana says, "We are the most exciting BB house EVER! They should just give us a permanent job." And Bunny reminds her that she'll have to give us something more than silly pranks before we'll declare the CAST OF BB4 [don't insert cheers - they've had enough] the "best cast EVER!" Stop rolling around in bed with Justin, for starters, and start doing karate chops on his head instead. We've had enough sex - now we want violence. Make up some lies to stir things up. Like maybe you could tell Robert that you liked to step on cocoons as a child. Try dressing Jack up like a girl, or feed the turtles to Dave. Throw TSPDB of Erika's on the grill the next time you barbeque. I hope I'm getting through to you.
Dave tells Justin and Robert that he brought a condom in the house but didn't use it. Bunny thinks the Rangers have the same motto as the Boy Scouts - "Be prepared" - but then they have an addendum right under it that's kind of hard to see that says, "Especially if you're about to have sex with a woman who has been sleeping with a guy who has genital warts." I guess Dave overlooked the fine print so you can bet that after Ali sees the show tapes, she won't be sitting next to him at the cast party.
It's time for Alison and Nathan to get ready for their dinner date in the backyard. Ali dresses up in a black dress and heels. Nate puts on blue jeans and make-up. (Yeah, that's what I said.)
Let's take first things first. Blue jeans, Nate? Did you not get a clue when you saw Alison waving around diamond earrings and a dress she wore in the evening gown competition of Miss Central Pittsburgh? And MAKE-UP? Dude, you don't need it - you are SO much prettier than Ali without it. At least the shirt you chose is nice. And it's white, Bunny's favorite. But now you're going to get make-up stains all over the collar and that's just going to ruin it for me.
Alison's dream job is to be on a soap opera. Bunny finds this ironic since she seemed to be allergic to soap this morning. She also wants to remind Alison that she IS on a soap opera, and it beats the heck out of "Days of Our Lives." That show has no man-trolls, gorillas, or people made out of cauliflower.
Inside, the rest of the HGs are drinking what is left of the champagne. Nate and Ali join them after they finish their meal. The girls put on swimsuits and jump into the hot tub while the guys chill out in the yard. Alison begs Nate to join her in the hot tub, but he isn't interested. Jun: "Why is Nate being so gay tonight?" I don't know, Jun, maybe it's the make-up. Perhaps his mascara isn't waterproof.
Justin climbs into the hot tub with Alison, where he tells her he has figured out what is going on. "Nate is going to use the Veto on you. And if he does, Dana will put up Dave and Dave's going home." Ali: "I'm fine with that." Justin tells her that his alliance won't come after her. "I give you my word I won't try to get you out." Alison tells him that she suspects Jee and Jun have a deal. She also says, "Dana will never win." Justin: "She wasn't going to win if she stayed with your group either." Allison flirts heavily with Justin, stroking his legs and rubbing his stomach. "You're trying to seduce me," he says.
Enter Robertus Interruptus, who comes out to tell them that Jun threw up because "she is allergic to alcohol." Is that what they're calling it these days? All I know is, I'm tired of all the barfing. First it was Dave, whose entree and foreplay turned into a lethal combination. Then Michelle, who, after kindly being given a casserole to eat, gave it back. Next was Bunny, who couldn't keep her carrots down after being forced to watch Robert in a repeat of "Boogie Nights." Then Dave again, almost throwing up during the Luxury Challenge. And now Jun, just because she forgot to take her alcohol allergy shots. I want it to stop, and I want it to stop now.
In the house, Dana and Dave are discussing their favorite intercourse positions and are giving clothed demonstrations. Maybe they are both tired of being with Amanda and Justin as "couples of the show" and are thinking about becoming the "sub-couple of the show" - the couple that no one wants to see together.
Jee asks the limber lovebirds to stop their floor play. He can't bear watching. He misses his girlfriend and he is very lonely in this house. "All the guys know what I'm talking about." After he asks for the third time, Dana swings her legs over Dave's shoulders - and like a flash of lightning, Jee bolts from the room.
Alison and Justin leave the hot tub and continue the flirting in the bathroom. Alison says, "This was so good - the best time I've had in the house." It's hard to know what part of today she is talking about - the dinner date with Nathan? Flirting with Justin in the hot tub? Curing Jee of ADD?
Before jumping in the shower, Alison pulls down Justin's shorts. When she comes out, he pulls off her towel and leaves her naked and screaming. I hope no one tells Jee what's going on because you and I both know the guy couldn't take it.
Erika tells Jack she will miss Alison and wishes she didn't have to go. "She has such energy." Boy, you can say that again.
Hoppy trails,
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