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Bunny
| Tuesday, July 29, 2003 - 2:20 pm 
Dana has offered Jack and Dave a like deal. If one of them takes it, she will sway her group to vote the other one out. Jack is sharing the details of the deal with Erika, Nathan, and Alison. Jack: "They want me to agree that I won't nominate one of them if I get HOH." Erika says, "They have their side, we have our side, tell them to go away." Shoo, fly, don't bother me.
Dave walks in, and Erika says, "Well, here are my two little nominee boys!" I'm picturing a remake of Peter Pan, starring Erika as Wendy with Jack and Dave as Peter and Michael. Dana, as Tinker Bile, (sorry, I'm mad at her at the moment) will sprinkle pixie dust on one of them to help him fly out the door on Wednesday. If it's Jack, Captain Hook will be waiting at the end of BB to make Dana walk the plank. Everyone knows the F.B.I. has him on retainer. If Dave goes, members of the Diane Fossey Society will be there to greet him with open arms and opposable thumbs, as well as Tiger Lily Amanda, who will offer him wampum.
Dave says one reason he hates to leave is because he'll have to get a job. "I don't know what to do - I don't want to go yet. I have some decisions to make." While he ponders his future, he begins to make sounds like a dripping faucet. Jee hears the noise and runs in with his tool belt, ready to repair the leak.
Not really, but it wouldn't surprise me, since Jee is on a handyman kick these days. He's constantly on the lookout for repairs to be done, and when he can't find something to work on, he becomes the depressed Maytag man, waiting for a call.
The only other thing that perks him up is learning a new card trick. He practices on the other HGs. "Pick a card," he says. Justin draws a King, and he notices that Jee has glued a cut-out of his own face on top of the Royal's. He draws again. This time he gets a Joker, and there's Dave in a clown wig. The Jack is Jack, of course. Justin: "What gives, Jee?" "It was therapy," replies Jee, "to help me get past using only the number cards in my tricks."
David tells Jack that he isn't comfortable "with the internet thing. You know someone is going to get down everything that goes on." Who, me? Yes, you. Couldn't be. Then who? Jun stole the cookies from the cookie jar.
Jee tells Robert that they can't be blinded by Dave's charm. Or his ability to make sounds like a faucet. "He could win the next HOH, and even though it's Nate's fault that he's on the block, he probably wouldn't nominate him." Jee goes on to say that Nathan is boring (maybe so, but he doesn't have a lock on it) and that "Ali is all about giving up her body for a vote. If I wanted to, I could have her." Raise your hand if you think Jee has a shot in Hell.
I forgot to mention that Jee told Robert and Justin that he has a bevy of women "lined up as backup" if his relationship with his girlfriend doesn't work out. (I don't doubt this for a second. Aren't we all looking for a man who's handy around the house? And this one does card tricks - talk about added bonus! ) Robert is impressed by Jee's prowess and wants to take him to his favorite club on Asian night. Jee says he will tell them more when he is sequestered because he doesn't want his secrets to get out over the internet. Bunny applauds his shrewd thinking and goes over to the House of the Evicted to tweak the mikes and adjust the cameras, while Jee's girlfriend makes a call to extend her subscription to RealPlayer.
Jee is worried that Dana is losing her focus in the game and that Jun is calling all the shots. "Jun has power over Dana. Dana checks out every decision with Jun first. Dana is feeling too 'girly' now because of Justin."
Dana joins the guys and tells them that Jack approached her, wanting to know if negotiations were possible. "He swore that he didn't know that Nathan was going to use the veto to save Alison. He was basically begging to stay, but he wasn't crying or anything. (No, that would be Robert.) Dana says she told Jack that Nathan proved he wasn't a team player, and that he and Erika could buy themselves two weeks by promising to nominate Nate and Ali if one of them gets HOH.
Dana: "I f'ing hate Nathan. I can't believe Alison is not going. It makes me sick." (Fine. Be sick. Just please, please, PLEASE promise me you won't throw up. I told you, I've had enough.) Girly Dana goes on to say, "If they're on the block and I get Veto, I'm going to tell them I wouldn't save them if they were f'ing bleeding to death." Oops. Instant "Survivor Susan" replay.
Jee: "Erika has the hots for Dave. She will vote for him to stay. He is her Superhero." I guess she likens him to Superman, because I think Lois Lane was more than a decade older than he was, and I'm almost certain that Clark Kent always wore brown and a mod beanie he borrowed from Lois one night after a good toss in the hay. Besides, Superman was from Krypton, and even though I don't know which planet Dave is from, I know it's not this one.
Dana says, "Well, Justin is MY Superhero." Yeah, we know. The Hulk. Got it.
Dana says David has crooked toes. "It's from the tight boots he had to wear in basic training." Nah, my guess is that they got that way from holding tight to tree limbs, but, like I said, I'd only be guessing.
Dana: "Jack is smart. He knows what we offered him is a good deal. I told him it is only until we get Nate and Alison out. Then all deals are off." Question: How many years can a person get in jail for bribing an F.B.I. agent? It's not that I think Dana couldn't hold her own against the other inmates, it's just that orange is not a happening color for her complexion.
The HGs get a good night's sleep, but the next morning, Alison corners Robert to try to find out who he is going to vote for eviction: Dave or Jack.
Alison: "Are you mad at Nathan for saving me?"
Robert: "No, I'm not mad. I'm a bit stuffed up at the moment, but real men don't use Kleenex. I thought I was clear on that."
Alison: "Who are you going to vote out?"
Robert: "I don't know. I haven't even thought about it. I'll sniff around and try to find out what the group is doing."
Alison: "Losing David's sense of humor will be a big impact on this house. It will be dull around here." (Aren't you forgetting the Amazing Jee and his Renowned Bag of Card Tricks?) "I think Jack is a little bit smarter than David." (I don't know about smarter. But he does know people who can kill you. So, yeah, I'd say he's smarter. Most definitely.)
Dana continues the Ali-bashing from the night before. Alone with Robert, she tells him that "the f'ing girl makes me sick. Nathan isn't as bad when she's not around." Robert: "You're gonna love this. She asked me which way we're going to vote. She told me she is going to vote the way the house wants it." "Don't tell her a f'ing thing," says F-Word Barbie. "She's that f'ing girl in high school that I f'ing hated."
The Anti-Darla and her Rascals look outside to see Nathan in the hammock. They tell Dave to go outside and splash him. Dana says, "He'll start crying! He's a f'ing f--got!" Dana, Dana, Dana. Shame on you. Yeah, maybe he'll whimper a bit when he's splashed. But is that any reason to call him ugly names? And where's this coming from? The make-up the other night? C'mon, he has as much right as the next person to even out his skin tone. I do think he needs to go a shade lighter, though.
Dave wants to talk to Dana's stooges.
Moe: "What's on your mind, Dave?"
Dave: "A lot. Looking at long term, if I lie here and get caught in the game, there's no long term for me."
Larry: "If we could keep you here, there's a better chance you'd win a comp."
Dave: "If I'm in a position while I'm here, I'll throw them out."
Curly: "All we want is Nate and Ali out at this point."
Dave: "Nate and Ali? No problem."
Shemp: "Nate wants you out. That's another reason why I want to keep you. Thing is, though, you gotta talk to Dana and Jun. The only reason we would want you out is that you win comps and we can't trust you. Jack can't win s--t."
Dave asks to meet with Jun and Dana.
Dave: "I can give you Erika, and I can win comps over Jack."
Jun: "You winning comps is a threat also."
Dave: "Nate plays with emotion. Ali plays emotion. That bugs me. I can't control that."
Dana: "If you turn on us, I'll cook your balls and eat them." (Just don't share them with Erika, her being a vegan and all.)
Jun and Dana feel the situation out with Erika.
Jun: "Would you be willing to put up Nate and Ali next week in order to save Dave?"
Dana: "I can guarantee you that if you agree, you'll be safe for two weeks."
Erika: "I really want to stay so I will agree to put them up. I'm mad that Nate lied about the veto so I don't trust him. Besides that, in real life I would get crucified for going after a 21-year-old. In here, trying to bang Dave is totally encouraged."
Jun mulls over the offers but ultimately tells Dana that she doesn't want to keep Dave. Dave senses that he needs to win the girls over and goes on a campaign to solicit their votes. He serenades them in the kitchen, humps Jun against the freezer, humps Dana on top of the freezer, then pins scrubbing pads to his ears, dons rubber gloves, and runs around outside like some freak with a fetish for janitorial supplies.
Robert and Erika are in the hammock.
Erika: "You've been saying bad things about me."
Robert: "Don't believe that stuff. The apology was when we start over. I promise you that the apology was the way I feel. You're here, we're cool, that's it. I feel better about it."
Sheesh, I leave the live feeds for a minute and Robert gets a heart transplant.
Jack is attractively dressed in blue tonight, and Erika beautifully in orange - worlds of color Dave has never known. Jun is also dressed becomingly in a white mini-skirt and maroon tunic - looks like silk to me - but Bunny wonders why they are all looking so appealing just to eat Burger King. Not that there's anything wrong with Burger King - they always let me have it my way - but they usually give it to me my way in a t-shirt. That way, if you drip mustard, you haven't ruined your maroon silk tunic. Trust me, I've given this a lot of thought.
Robert tells Justin he knows some "big names" in Hollywood and he will hook him up when they get out. Rob: "One of my best friends is J. Lo's guy."
Justin: "Really? Which one? The one who knows Matt Damon?"
Rob: "No, not him."
Justin: "The one who was born with a club foot but beat all odds to become a dancer and renowned choreographer and then took first place in 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here?'"
Rob: "No, not him, either. The other one. You know, her first husband."
Justin: "Uh, no."
Rob: "Yeah, man, he's huge. Top dog in the restaurant biz. In Hollywood, food is where it's at. He can open doors for you."
Justin: "Can he get me a discount on lobster dinners?"
Rob: "Oh, yeah, man, no problem. I'll clear the way for you. Just let me make a few calls. We might have to include him in our winnings deal, but it's a small price to pay for a table on All-You-Can-Eat night."
The watering hose has sprung a leak, but here he comes to save the day - Mighty Jee is on his way. He uses a condom from his repair kit to cover the puncture, topped off with a rubber band. Everyone applauds Jee's ingenuity except Bunny, who wonders why all these guys brought condoms in the house in the first place. Not to mention a certain person who brought one and then opted not to use it. Perhaps he didn't want to be seen on camera dressing Willy in a raincoat. Too bad - we could have all used a live-on-the-internet lesson in safe sex.
In spite of Jee's handiwork, BB decides to replace the hose - not because they're afraid it won't get past the censors, but more because they need one with maximum power to hose down Robert. You see, Robert likes to take Viagra so that he can keep a perpetual hard-on. "I don't really need it," he says, as viewers all over Internetland snicker. "I just like to take it so my d--k never goes down. I even have one with me right now." Let's cross our fingers he doesn't down one before the Live Show.
Whoops - it had to happen. Jun knocks over Justin's cup and spills the contents all over her lovely blouse. You know, the one I told her not to wear. Justin is outside, but Dana goes out to drag him in by the cauliflower to show him what he did to Dana. Jun asks him to help clean up the mess, and he obliges, apologizing for his part in soiling her blouse. Jun: "I knew the perils of mustard, thanks to Bunny - and everyone knows a Filet o' Fish isn't without risk, but who knew I should protect myself from Wild Cherry Pepsi?"
Erika goes to Dana and the Boyz in the HOH Hood and begs them not to vote out Dave. She is crying, and they are pretending to be sympathetic. Dana says the decision has been made - Dave's going. Erika returns to the bedroom to tell Dave and Jack. Dave: "I knew I wouldn't make it all the way anyway. The first thing I'm going to do is look for a picture of myself hanging upside down on the punching bag." (Wouldn't we all?)
Erika continues to cry, saying it's not going to be the same without Dave. Bunny pictures a slow-motion tribute with a "Chariots of Fire" soundtrack airing on the episode following his eviction, with a fade-out to a black-and-white photo reading "Ranger Dave, July 2003-July 2003." It's a given ratings bonanza, too, because who wouldn't tune in to see Dave humping Dana on the freezer in slow-mo?
While tears flood the turtles' bedroom (keep in mind they're tortoises and can't swim), the hyenas are having a party in the HOH room. They think Dave sent Erika to them to beg for a stay of execution, and they find this quite hilarious. They make fun of Erika for crying, Dave for trying, and the others for various other crimes of living. Move over, Dave. Make room in the zoo. Guffawing hyenas with a mean streak are rare.
Today's Revelations:
(1) Robert is just a con artist who got fired from his job, has no Hollywood connections, and lives with his grandparents. Now at least we know why he can't afford a good haircut.
(2) Dave says he can't wait to check out the internet to see what's said about him. So, here goes.
Dear Dave, I've enjoyed your frantic antics, your failure to communicate in decipherable syllables, and your giving attitude towards the elderly. I thank you for getting sex out of the way in the BB house so the producers can begin to focus on other things, like remembering it's a game show. I'm sorry I picked on your choice of colors in clothing, but it's not my fault that the Army brainwashed you into thinking brown would go with everything. The flowered shorts, although not a perfect match, will bring a bundle on Ebay, because daisies are so in, you just can't believe. March on, Ranger Dave - whether it be in a clown wig or loofah pad earmuffs, I will salute you.
Hoppy trails,
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