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Bunny
| Wednesday, July 30, 2003 - 11:19 am 
It's Tuesday, Voting Day in the Big Brother house. So that means an early rise and shine for the HGs so the votes can be placed and tallied. Dana's first order of business, and one of her last as HOH, is to summon Jack to her room.
Dana: "What was up with Ali and Nate coming in your room last night?"
Jack: "It was because they knew Erika was crying. She doesn't want Dave to leave. He keeps her afloat."
Bunny makes no comment here about Erika needing no help with flotation.
Dana: "Jack, we went with you instead of David because we knew you were more likely to stick with the plan we have to eliminate Nate and Ali. You need to be extremely grateful to us."
Bunny makes no comment here about how a guy who's had 28 years of target practice doesn't need to be grateful to anybody.
Dana: "If either you or Erika gets HOH next week and don't put up Ali and Nathan, then you're both going on the block the next week."
Jack: "I understand. And if you put me on the block, then you'll be swimming with the fishes next week."
Dana: "I, too, understand. But I'll have Jun's swimsuit cover-up to protect me."
Jack: "True, but it's covered with cracker crumbs and Cheez Whiz, and you know how sharks love their processed party-in-a-can."
Dana: "I'm so pissed off at Nathan for what he did."
Jack: "I told him that everyone was upset with him, and that now he's a target."
Dana: "Using the veto was dumb. It just caused trouble in his own alliance."
Jack: "Yes, it did."
Dana tells Jun that if either Ali or Nate wins the HOH, "I'm going to toss it at them or drop it. I'm not putting it around their neck." Dana, that's not being a good sport. I bet in the real world, when you lose at checkers, you flip the board and stalk off pouting. And I bet in the real world, when you play a game of Monopoly, you always have to have the sports car and never the iron. And I bet in the real world, when you go to a casino, you hog three chairs at the slot machines. And, undoubtedly, in the real world, when you played football, you killed the opposing team's quarterback and buried him in your backyard.
Alison is wearing a shirt that says, "Happy Birthday, Donny!" on it. Okay, I'll bite. Who's Donny? Little bit country Donny Osmond? Happy Days' underrated Donny Most? Don Johnson of Miami Vice, long not recognized for his contribution to fashion by setting the "no socks" trend of the '80s? Of course, it has to be Donnie Wahlberg, the teen idol who had to take a back seat to his brother Marky Mark. Alison says, "Don't be silly, Bunny, you know it's my boyfriend!" I know, Alison, but I wanted to impress readers with my knowledge of famous Donnies. Just play along, will ya?
Dana is straddling Justin's back, giving him a massage. I didn't want to mention it before, but....well.... what is that thing on Dana's back? You know, right above the waistline of her pants. It's some sort of tattoo, although for the life of me, I can't tell what it is. What do you bet she thinks she has a kitty cat back there, or a butterfly (sorry, Robert), or something really pretty, but the artist messed up and now it's just a big glob of ink. Since it's on her back, she can't turn around and look at it, so she has no clue that she should be asking for her money back.
The voting has started, and Erika is up. When she exits from the Diary Room, she is crying. Jack hugs her, Ali hugs her, and Bunny hugs her. Erika is sad that Dave will leave tomorrow. She wanted to be sequestered with him because she never tires of his carnival show. I remind her that none of Jim Carrey's women stayed with him very long, and that means she would probably get enough of Davey Jim if he stayed in the house long-term. But Erika assures Bunny that their May-December...make that February-December....relationship was real. She announces that she will ask for a Voluntary Exit to join the Army.
Dana tells Erika that it is Nathan's fault that Dave is going. Erika: "I keep telling myself it's just a game, it's just a game. For selfish reasons, I don't want him to go." Dana: "I feel the same way. But now I'm at the point where I can't think about it anymore." And Bunny's at the point where she wonders from whence shall come her comic relief?
The words barely make it out of her mouth before Jee steps in, doing his darndest to fill Dave's clown shoes. He finds Justin asleep on the bed, and quietly sneaks up to pull down his pants. Bunny loves third-grade humor as much as the next guy, but if this is the best Jee can do, he might want to stick to card tricks.
Erika is wearing a shirt that says, "Happy Birthday, Derek!" Who the heck is Derek? Would that be Derek Jeter of....okay, okay, I know. It wasn't even funny the first time.
Erika and Dana in HOH room:
Erika: "What would you have done if Jun was up? Would you have used the veto?"
Dana: "I would save her without a doubt, even knowing it would make me a marked person."
Erika points out that Nate feels the same way about Ali.
Dana: "I wanted to use the veto against Scott the first week, but Nate told me no. I said I would do what he wanted. And now look. I didn't put him up, but I put his buddy up, and he took it personally."
Okay, let's try that again. "Dana, what would you have done if Jun was up?"
Dana continues her rant against Nate with Justin, Jee, and Robert. "I wish something would fall out of the sky and land on his head." Be careful what you wish for, Dana. If something falls, it will only hit Jun, and then she'll get another black eye. She seemed okay with it the first time, but if it happens again, she's liable to sue CBS - and after having to settle one BB lawsuit already, another might get them to thinking that the show isn't worth all the legal hassles, and they'll take it off the air. And if that happens, Bunny won't have a job next year writing for free, and she'll wither up like an old piece of lettuce and die. Do you want her blood on your hands?
The Burger King sacks arrive for lunch and Erika takes hers to bed with her, where she goes into another "I'll-miss-Dave" crying jag. Her tears drip into the fries, making them soggy and mushy. The CEO of BK makes a frantic call to the producers, asking them to cease zooming in on Erika eating her meal because they anticipate a huge loss in revenue if viewers are watching. BB tells them not to worry, that BK's slogan "Have it your way!" means that if Erika wants mushy fries, she can have them.
Dave also likes it his way, and his way today is to throw packets of barbeque sauce at the photos of the HGs displayed against the wall. Splat! A big glob hits his own picture, and the camera zooms in on it dripping down his face. Let it be known to those who think Dave looks good enough to eat, that he now comes with his own dipping sauce.
Jee, Robert, and Justin are sitting around in the living room. Jee says, "I still can't believe I'm on a TV show!" Robert tells Jee that he will be signing autographs soon. Bunny tells Justin that he will also be signing autographs, but he will have to take his hand out of his pants first. She is sorry to have to call attention to this, but apparently Jee throwing the word "tv" around didn't give Justin a clue that people are watching.
Jee finally asks Justin why he has his hand down his pants. Justin says, "It's been there for an hour, keeping my hand warm, like socks." Justin, two words: Blank. Et.
Today's Revelations:
(1) Jee's father came over from Korea first, then brought the rest of the family later. I don't know how long Jee has been here or at what point he lined up his bevy of women.
(2) Robert obtained a political science degree from UNLV. He says the reason he didn't go into politics was because no one would shake his hand.
(3) Justin will finish his college degree in December, but for now, his job is a corporate headhunter. He matches people to jobs. Dave asks him if Barnum and Bailey's hiring, and Jee wants a spot on "Trading Spaces."
Who told Nate it was snowing? He is dressed for the evening like a cat burglar: long black pants, long-sleeved black shirt, and a black knit cap leftover from Scott. No one seems to notice, which floors Bunny. She doesn't understand why these HGs don't call attention to one another's clothing. Jun, why aren't you asking Nate why he's dressed to rob Tiffany's? Dave, why aren't you telling Sojourners Jack to Go Take that Shirt Off or Go Home? Alison, haven't you wondered for even a moment why Erika brought only one bathing suit into the house? Look around you, people!
Ali and Dave are horsing around in the bedroom and Dana and Jun can hear them yelling and being silly. Dana: "Why is he being so nice to her? She's the reason he's leaving!" Jun: "They better not be hooking up in that room; if anyone deserves it, it's me." Well, Jun, if you really want it, tell Dave that his time in the service isn't up quite yet. His Commanding Officer called and asked him to recruit you for enlistment, and you're now ready for active duty. The more active the better.
Erika, Jun, and Dana are talking about how sad it will be when Dave leaves (it's a one-note song for Erika). Dana: "I just want to kiss him." Erika: "You're not the only one." Dana: "Nate isn't even cute to me anymore." Erika says she is happy that she lives only an hour away from David. "We can have a Platonic date." A Platonic date? Is that kind of like a date where you tell the guy who's barely out of high school that you won't try to shag his shanks because his mommy will come after you faster than you can say, "Coo-coo-ca-choo, Mrs. Robinson?"
Nate joins Justin, Jee, and Robert in the hot tub to try and make a deal. He says he wants to align with the guys and put up Dana and Jun.
Justin: "We were on our way out and Dana saved us."
Nate: "You're putting your faith in Dana, but she turned on us and she will do it to you. I'll do the dirty work for you guys - I'll get her out of here. You don't go for HOH. Let me have it and I'll put the two girls up and not any of you guys."
Robert: "Why did you save Alison?"
Nate: "She's strategically a better player than Dave or anyone else. Besides, Dana promised not to put her up and then five seconds later, Ali got the heat. She'll turn on you, too."
Justin: "She will, but not until the rest of you are out of the house. I can't say I'll throw HOH. We want Ali out as much as you want Dana out. It wouldn't be to our benefit to get Dana out. She's working with us and we're working with her."
Nate: "Not after this HOH."
Justin: "If you get it, then we're down one."
Time out for Robert to pick his nose. Go to the fridge, use the bathroom, pay a bill - we'll return to our regularly scheduled conversation in just a moment.
Nate: "Why do y'all hate Ali so much?"
Justin: "Because we can't trust her. She's a pathological liar. And she was campaigning to get me out of the house on the very first day."
The drones leave the hot tub and go directly to the queen bee to tattle on Nate. Dana: "If I were a man, I would hit him. He thought he was going to run the whole house. He thought he was going to be the leader. He's scared of me because I'm a conniver. This has pretty much become the Nate and Dana show." (Can I change the channel?) "Why isn't he grateful that I didn't put him on the block? What is his strategy? He can't win HOH every week."
Jun joins in on the conversation and says, "Nate tried the same thing on me. He thinks he can intimidate us. I'll eat that hick for breakfast." Stop that, Jun. Compulsive eating should have its limits.
Dana is very, very angry at Nate and very, very anxious to beat him up. The others try to calm her down and tell her to keep the information they've given her to herself. She continues to shriek and rant and bounce around the room, kind of like Robin Williams only less funny. Way less funny.
It appears that Dave wants to take advantage of one more Special Opportunity before he goes - he and Alison are snuggling in bed and the mike is picking up kissing sounds. I'm not sure if it's what I think it is, but if Dave bolts out of bed and barfs, then I'm pretty sure we can tell mission control we've had contact.
Hoppy trails,
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