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Bunny
| Sunday, August 10, 2003 - 1:44 pm 
Bunny needs to begin today's summary by making some corrections. You know, just like they do in the real press when they make mistakes.
(1) The weiner you saw on TV was not Jee. It was Robert. Bunny made the mistake because Jee declared himself a weiner very early in the game, but anyone knows that Robert is a bigger one than just about anybody. My apologies.
(2) Ali is from Pennsylvania, not Florida. This error occurred because Michelle is from Florida, and as I've stated in the past, many of these HGs seem to be the same person. My apologies.
(3) The marking on Justin's map tattoo is an eagle, not an "x." But it's flying over the state of Kansas, so she believes her theory that he has a thing for the "Wizard of Oz" still holds true. Witness his love for Dana and her resemblance to the witch. Not Gilda, but the other one. Again, my apologies.
And while I'm on a roll:
(4) Dana does not really look like a witch or even a hobbit. But it's funny, so let's go with it. Besides, what else have I got? Alison's nose isn't all that big, Jun isn't all that fat, Nate isn't all that gay, but if I don't grasp at these straws, that leaves me with ragging on Erika's bikini and Robert's runny nose. The cast is personality-poor and I shouldn't be held accountable, but I'll apologize just the same. Why not? It comes easily, and it might keep me out of a fist fight if I run into any of these people at Belly's.
Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's move on to late Friday night in the house. Nate and Jack are discussing their nominations.
Nate: "I'm emotionally and physically tired, so it's okay if I go."
Jack: "They see you as more of a threat than I am."
Nate: "I wish there would be a twist that would keep both of us in the game."
Jack: "I'll go after those guys if I get HOH. I give you my word."
Nate: "When I get out of here, I'm ready to meet a girl, Jack."
Jack: "Well, how do you feel about rabbits? I know one that likes the way you look in shorts."
Nate: "Hmmm...the Bible says, 'Go forth and multiply' - and nothing multiplies more than a rabbit, right, Jack?"
Bunny's excitement over the anticipation of a Nate Date is short-lived.
Nate: "I really miss Michelle. I would love to have a relationship with her."
Jack: "Why don't you contact her when you get out of the house?"
Nate: "I'll see her at the wrap party first. She was really great-looking, and an athlete. I always wanted to marry a virgin. I have such high standards."
Bunny: "Well, Nate, there's surgery for that now, so if you're willing to foot the bill, Jack's got my number."
Still toying with his delusions of grandeur, Robert talks to Jee and Justin about all the women they are going to get when they leave the house.
Robert: "All the hot girls in this house left already. It's disgusting to wake up to these skanky girls. When I'm in the Diary Room, I say, 'Which one of these pigs do you want to ask me about?'"
Justin: "Ali was a tomcat and convenient - that's why I kept her around for seven months."
Jee: "You can do what you want with Jun - gang bang her or anything. She's a cool chick but I want nothing to do with her."
Bunny: "Hey, lover boys. Try getting a date after this summary hits the internet."
Erika and Jack are talking before "lights out."
Erika: "Ali asked me if I thought you threw HOH."
Jack: "I know, it was so embarrassing. I did talk about how stupid it was in front of her. I'd like to erase that from memory. (Not a chance. I bet your wife even has it TIVO'd.) If I was going to throw it, I wouldn't have done it on an easy question. I was temporarily insane."
Erika: "You'll get another chance."
Jack: "Jun said that next week they are going after Ali and you."
Erika: "You would win against me in the finals."
Jack: "I don't think so, but thanks. I'd love for the two of us to get to the end together."
(I'd love for the two of you to get nekkid. Okay, not really. I just wanted to say 'nekkid.' Sometimes I feel like a nut.)
Erika: "I don't know what Jun would do in the finals."
Jack: "In an odd sort of way, I am close to Jun. She tells me things and knows I won't tell anyone."
Erika: "Jun always speaks the truth."
(And so does Bunny. If you don't count the things she makes up.)
Erika: "Next week they will target Ali."
Jack: "We need to win HOH next week."
Erika: "And take out Justin."
Jack: "Yes, then we need to reel Jee in. Robert is sleazy and ill-mannered. He is not a gentleman." (Uh oh, Jack. There goes your free hors d'oevres.)
Erika: "If he gets to the finals with Justin, he can't win."
The HGs arise on Saturday morning, ready for a Luxury Competition. They don swimsuits, each of which contains a letter tucked inside.
Justin: "You have to remove your suit to get the letter, then hang the letter on the line. Unscramble the letters to make a word, and that's what we'll get."
(Bunny crosses her fingers that it's "NEW HOUSEGUESTS," but then realizes that that's two words or maybe even three.)
Justin: "Don't be shy. Your cover-up is coming from the sky." Suds descend upon the HGs, which they use as cover while removing their suits. Bunny apologizes for her earlier comment about wanting to see Erika and Jack get nekkid, because now that they really are, she feels dreadfully sad. Sad for what reality TV has become, sad that Erika may lose her shot at Playboy, and sad that Jack may appear on a list of the FBI's Least Wanted. But most of all, people, I'm really, really sad that none of these people are Hardy.
The mystery word is LAUNDRY, which they are all disappointed to see. Erika and Alison wanted it to be TREADMILL, Jun wanted it to be UNLIMITED SUGAR SNACKS, and Nate was pulling for REVLON FOUNDATION IN SAND BEIGE because he's getting a bit low. Instead, they get their laundry done for a week, a nice little gift from BB. There's even an added bonus: they get to keep their new bathing suits. Bunny is hopping for joy for two reasons. One, Jun looks "absolutely smashing, dahling" in her courtesy-of-BB one-piece. It's just the right look for her, and it's waist-expandable to boot. So, Jun, hoist the old stars-and-stripes up a flagpole and swim with pride in your new lycra duds. You can eat all the M&Ms you want and still look good floating. Maybe you won't be able to stay up as long, but you will look good.
As far as the second reason Bunny is gleeful? Of course, you already know and are as happy about it as I am. Let's all sing a little song about it, preferably one written by Don McLean:
"Bye, bye, Miss Erika's pie,
Yes, I'm going to have to leave you but I'm sure you'll be fine
You have a new suit now and it's solid; don't cry
Because this'll be the day that I die"
Now, wadda ya say we go to work on that pink hat?
Erika tells Nate and Ali that she'll do Playboy if they ask her. They probably will, Erika, but then after you go there to pose for your lay-out, they call you and tell you it's been cancelled. Ask Tonya. Then they go behind your back and sell the photos on the black market to people who were really looking forward to your issue, like Dave, Jack, and the members of the Barbie Through Plastic Surgery club.
Gather 'round, kiddies, it's time for some strategy, starring Jun as the Caller of the Shots.
Robert: "I want to kick Erika out before Ali."
Jun: "I want to kick Ali out before Erika. Ali is strong, and she will also f'ing stab us in the back."
Robert: "Okay. Hey, will you do my nails?"
Jun: "Not today. I'll do them Tuesday. "
Bunny looks down at her nails and realizes the sacrifices she makes to type these summaries. She can't help but wonder if Jun has any openings, but then thinks better of making an appointment, knowing that Jun might mistakenly soak her cuticles in battery acid.
Nate and Ali are lounging by the pool.
Nate: "I'm not mad at you and I don't regret using the Veto. I want to see your pretty face one more week. (Bunny presses her face up to the glass.) I'm going to let bygones be bygones and just enjoy myself while I'm still here. I'll be gone soon."
Ali: "Well, just remember that thing about the rabbit."
Jack approaches Jun about the nominations for the upcoming week.
Jack: "The next target needs to be Ali."
Jun: "I know, but they want you out. I agree that Ali needs to go next. I still don't understand the whole Justin/Ali thing."
Jack: "It is puzzling."
Speaking of puzzles, did anyone ever see that BB1 puzzle of the HGs go up on Ebay? I really wanted that.
Nate has a Diary Room session and exits sobbing. I mean really boo-hooing, as in "I'm trying to take the BB Crying Crown from Autumn." "He's taking it worse than Dana," says Justin. But Bunny doesn't think Nate is crying about the game. Someone in that DR told him something designed specifically to bring on the tears. Maybe they told him all the pink toenail polish is gone, or that his chains aren't really 14-karat gold. Or maybe that with that accent he would never get a job in a soap opera unless it's "All My Chillun, Sugar Pie."
But, no, it must be something else, because now Jun is coming from the Diary Room in tears. "Are you okay?" asks Jack. "They made me blubber in there today," she replies. (She said it, folks, I didn't.) Apparently, they are being asked questions about home and family, and the HGs think it might have something to do with America's Choice. "Maybe we'll get a phone call from home," says Nate, obviously in denial that he won't be there to get it.
I know the HGs are anxious for America's Choice to be something from their families, but Bunny hopes it's a gift geared more toward the viewers' entertainment, like maybe Josh's Playgirl centerfold. She never got to see it. And now she wants to because she learned this trick from Justin where you glue someone else's face over the real person's and she has all these pictures of Hardy piled up from when she got drunk the night he was evicted and printed up an entire ream of paper because she thought she would never see him again. She didn't, but that's beside the point.
Jun tells Nate, "Alison doesn't have your back like you think she does." Nate finds Ali to ask her about it.
Ali: "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. People are just telling you things. Do you believe everything you hear in this house?"
Nate: "Maybe Jun is lying. Why don't you confront her?"
Ali: "I will, right in front of you, but not until next week." (Right after he gets the phone call from home.)
The conversation shifts gears.
Ali: "All my friends called Justin 'the dirty dude.' He never showered. And once he took me to a strip club."
Nate: "I would never date a stripper. They are insecure and just vying for attention."
Ali: "I wouldn't either."
Bunny starts to say something here about people who go on reality shows that eye them under a microscope for 24 hours a day and how some people would think they were insecure and vying for attention, but her mind wanders to Jordan instead. (How's that book coming?) I would also be remiss if I didn't remind Nate and Alison that strippers get paid good money. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe you two got down to bare bones just this morning with nary a g-string, and all for a free coupon for dry cleaning.
But let's not skim over the important aspects of Ali's revelation. One being that Justin doesn't like showers, or at least he didn't when he was dating Alison. And the other is, since when is taking your girlfriend to a strip club a bad idea for a date? The shower issue is easily explained - he's a bubble bath "rubber ducky in the tubby" kind of guy. Most wrestlers are. I was once staying in a hotel in a room next door to the Rock, and he threw a hissy fit when the concierge told him they were all out of rose petals and Fragrant Soak Siesta bath foam. As far as the strip date is concerned, most women really cotton to a man who uses ingenuity in planning their excursions. Dinner and a movie? Not for these guys. Anyone can come up with that. Nope, give me one any day who says, "We're heading for Purr-ty Pussycats, honey. They've got a new girl there who can grip a pole tighter than a rubber band." Nothing says romance to me like an evening spent with your fella and Boom Boom Bambi.
Nate walks by in his cowboy hat, and Jun yells out, "Nate, don't wear that hat in the Diary Room. They make fun of people who wear a hat." Uh, no, not exactly. Hats we're okay with, especially if it's Nate and it's that sexy cowboy hat and you have this fantasy about being at a rodeo when some blonde cowboy in no shirt and low-slung jeans comes up to you and says, "Hey, missy, how's about you and me goin' down to the barn for a li'l ol' roll in the hay?" And then....okay, sorry, where was I? Ah, yes, Jun's warning not to wear hats in the Diary Room. Nope, Jun, no problem with hats, just fishnet and the same tired bikini. And brown, but that's been taken care of.
Jun realizes that her goodbye messages left for outgoing HGs weren't very nice. "With Nate, I'm going to be my honest self. I'm going to say he needs to grow up. I won't get Dana's vote after what I said to her, but she was stabbing me in the back the whole time she was here, so she shouldn't be upset. I called Michelle a flake and told Amanda I couldn't manipulate her, so goodbye." Bunny thinks that Jun is good at finding fault with people and should take over the summaries for her next season.
Jun heads for the shower, and while there, she yells out, "My boobs are growing!" Robert: "What do you mean?" Jun: "They're getting fatter, meatier." Yeah, O.D.'ing on Pop Tarts and M&Ms has its good side.
The night ends with Nate making a dramatic move in the game, exposing Jun for playing both sides. Nate: "Let's call you out. If anyone's a sneaky person, it's you."
Jun: "I'm not saying I'm innocent."
Nate: "Why are you always stirring things up? You say s--- to us about all three guys, then you say it to them. If you want to talk some s---, why not say it right now?"
Jun is at a loss for words. It's a side effect from having huge knockers. You instantly go dumb.
Jee: "Nate, what happened between you and her is between you and her."
Nate: "But that's the type of player she is. She stirs things up."
Jee: "Well, she IS the cook of the house. It goes with the territory."
Robert: "Jee, what he means is, she's doing stuff that doesn't need to be done. From the beginning, all these girls have been stirring up trouble."
Nate: "Jun's been doing it the whole game, and I'm fed up with it."
There, there, Nathan. It's going to be all right. Just put on your cowboy hat and come to Mama.
Hoppy trails,
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