| Author |
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Bunny
| Friday, August 15, 2003 - 9:46 pm 
First of all, let's talk Erika winning HOH. If anyone ever deserved a "Good on you, girl!," it's Erika, wouldn't you say? Blasted all those boys right out of the water! Rather, right out of the cage. Speaking of which, if there was ever a time to wear the go-go hat, that was it. The scene was tailor-made for it. Add a strobe light, some fringe, and a few bars from "What's New, Pussycat?" and you've got yourself a scene straight out of "Goldie Hawn: the Early Years."
Of course, Erika's win probably means that Justin will go home, and Bunny would hate to see that. Maybe compared to other HG eye candy of the past, he's a Skittle where the rest are M&Ms, but this is no time to be picky.
Erika and Jack begin Thursday morning discussing nomination possibilities. Erika wants to talk to Robert about making a deal. She won't put him up if he promises not to nominate her or her buddy Jack next week.
Erika: "It's getting difficult to make deals now with so few people left here. The veto becomes a problem."
Jack: "I assume Justin is going, but I'm not sure I would make a deal with Robert. (Go ahead - just don't shake on it.) We don't know how loyal Jee will be to Robert with Justin gone. If Justin gets the veto, Rob should go and Jee will be the pawn. We can't have anyone in the other group make it to the finals because they'll get the votes to win because of you-know-who." (Ding dong! Frodo calling!)
Erika: "We have to keep Alison at all costs. She is the only one we can beat in the end."
Jack: "I was surprised Robert gave up on the challenge so soon."
Erika: "I wasn't. He doesn't have any stamina. Not a smidgen."
(I guess a quick dose of Viagra was out of the question?}
Time to enter the HOH room and explore the goodies in Erika's basket. There's a cd from "Pink" (how funny is that?) and some dog photos, but no new bikini. I guess her family forgot to check the mail.
To say that Bunny is disappointed is an understatement. You know how when you get gangrene in your toenail and you think it's going to be okay, so you just go about your business, continuing to wear sandals to your job shoveling elephant dung at the local zoo? But then you realize that the gangrene is now in your skin and the doctor says he's going to have to amputate your entire foot, followed by your leg just for precautionary measures? Well, that's how Bunny feels right now. And it has nothing to do with actually losing her feet during that whole Lucky Rabbit's Foot craze either.
The HGs gather in the kitchen for a pancake breakfast, courtesy of Jun. Ali uses the opportunity to ask the others if she should be worried about Donny's reaction to her revolving bedmates. Robert says, "Yes, I think you will have some 'splainin' to do." Ali: "Maybe he's at football camp and can't watch TV." Yeah, and maybe no one's taping the shows for him, and maybe no one's printing up the live feed transcripts, and maybe Nate, Dave, Justin, Jee, Robert (and possibly Jack at the rate you're going) won't wink and say, "Thanks, Toots!" to you at the cast party.
But Donny doesn't need to worry. Half the guys are in committed relationships, some with women and some with themselves. And keep in mind that one has no stamina. The only guy he might need to watch out for is the dude who thinks he's Tarzan.
Alison runs to the bedroom for a good cry, sad to think that her beloved football jock will believe she's a ho. Erika comes to comfort her, or maybe to tell her to keep her mitts off Jack.
Erika says that they are down to three girls. "They've been dropping like flies." Bunny thinks you should have kept Nate. At least he was half-way there.
Robert and Justin are on the living room couch, discussing the inevitable fact that they will both be nominated for eviction.
Robert: "I'm ready to go home. If I get the veto, I'll take you off the block and I'll leave."
(Then you would be a block HEAD.)
Justin: "No, I'm ready to go, too. I knew the minute Erika got HOH that I was going."
Don't sell yourself short, Justin. Things could still look up. Think about the Munchkins. First they had to deal with the Wicked Witch, pretending they liked having her around. When someone poured water on her, or evicted her or whatever, they regained power and thought they had it made. But then the Lion, ferocious in pink, came along and scared them all again, forcing them to continue their lives hiding behind potted plants. It turned out that the Lion was quite kind and approachable, and the Mayor of Munchkinland was able to secure his vote in a campaign against the poorly-coiffed President of the Lollipop Guild by running on a platform promoting good hygiene.
Jee tells Justin that he will have his vote.
Jee: "Rob really hasn't done anything to help the Dream Team. I won't campaign against him if he's nominated, but I'm going to vote for you to stay. I feel like I let you guys down last night in the cage, but Erika wasn't going to give up. I think you have Ali's vote and I'm going to work on Erika to keep you."
(See what I mean, Justin? Ye of little faith.)
Justin: "That would be great. Maybe you could convince her to put someone else up."
Jee: "Rob is an awesome guy but we can't keep dragging him along. I don't want to campaign against him, but in a game sense, it's time to do it."
Actually, Jee, even in a non-game sense, it might be time to cut Rob loose. Next week Flobee is announcing the release of an all-new, revolutionary, precision-cut blade with maximum power for layering and feathering. I'm telling you, this is going to be huge in the Too-Cheap-to-Pay-for-a-Stylist world. Hold on for the ride, Robman, because your life is about to change in a big way. Carmen will swoon, you won't need Jee to get the Asian ladies for you, and your grandmother's friends will stop spitting on your cowlicks.
Outside, Jun tells Alison that the girls need to band together and go after the guys. Alison says she likes this idea and shares it with Erika. Erika agrees, but then runs it by Jack, who, last time I checked, is a man. I know it's easy to get confused, especially when you approach Jack from the back and he has that long page-boy underflip thing going on, a trend popularized by one Miss Yasmine Bleeth during the Baywatch 1994-97 years. But Erika has slept in the same room as Jack for two months: plenty of time to take a peek inside his boxers for confirmation.
Robert tells Jee and Justin that he is furious with Jun and wants her gone. "She's a f'ing snake," he says, "and I'm going to talk to Erika about putting her up."
Jee: "Jun needs to go before I do."
Rob: "Nate warned us about Jun, and he was right."
Justin: "She and Ali are both floaters."
Rob: "Even Erika is better than Jun."
At what, Rob? Better at standing for hours in a cage? Yep. Better at singing lullabies to turtles or giving neon green its due? Sure, I'll give her that. But we all know that Jun is much better at cooking, much better at giving manicures, and is, in many ways, twice the woman Erika ever was.
Jee says he wants Robert to know the truth about Alison. "She told me to vote you out. She wants Justin to stay. I made a deal in the cage, and so did Jun. We are both safe with Erika and Jack. I don't know how Jun will vote, but it looks like you're gone."
Robert: "That's alright, Jee. Just like the precious butterfly, I'm ready to spread my wings and flit over the hills and dales of California, helping those in search of stardom and/or a good table at a restaurant. I'll just continue to apply the life lessons I learned from my favorite book."
Jee: "Which one? EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN, Chapter Twelve: 'Boogers Taste Good?'"
Robert: "No, the one that carries me through is called HOW TO BE A PLAYER WHEN YOUR GAME PIECE AIN'T EVEN ON THE BOARD."
It's time for the Food Competition. BB gives the guys Hawaiian shirts to wear and Jee says, "I bet we have to climb a palm tree and get an onion or something." I suppose that Jee is unaware that in Hawaii, coconuts grow on palm trees, unlike in Korea, where there are onions falling from branches everywhere you look. At least that's what they tell me.
The girls are given colorful sarongs to tie around their hips, which should take no longer than a few seconds. But for Alison, who ties and reties and folds down and pulls up and changes the knot more often than a Boy Scout, it takes a very long time to get hers just right. The mirror gets a workout while she primps and poses, finishing off the look with some glitter makeup she spreads all over her face and body. Glow, little glow worm, glimmer, glimmer.
As Bunny ponders whether or not disco will ever be dead, Erika enters the scene in....gasp!...a new bikini! A gift from BB, it's just the right shade of black - not too light, not too dark - and is so becoming that even the most die-hard polka dot fan will have to admit to its allure.
Listen, Erika, from one bunny to another (or at least from one bunny to a gal who strives to be one in a centerfold pictorial), I give you major props for the fashion risk you took tonight. First you braved the critics with those migraine-inducing pantaloons -and I know it's not easy being green - but tonight you went above and beyond, tossing aside the security of pink AND the white spots that have accompanied you like a sister through every lap in the pool and every soak in the hot tub, through every shower and through every bubble bath (subject to analysis), and through all your day-to-day chores from vacuuming to scrubbing turtle booty.
While you're all agape at this new development, I'll let you have a moment to collect yourselves while I take this opportunity to thank those responsible:
Dear Producers of BB and Esteemed Headmistress of Wardrobe,
You deserve a massive raise.
Sincerely,
Bunny
Along with the new bikini and sarong, BB has also given Erika a trident to carry to the competition and a can of red hair spray to temporarily dye her hair. As I stand back to survey the overall picture, I can't quite put my finger on what's wrong. The look just isn't saying "Little Mermaid" to me.
Okay, now I see the problem. She also has on a devil's-horn headpiece, which lights up and flashes. More like an "Ariel meets Jon Lovitz" ensemble. But she still looks good, and even I, as a hetero female, appreciate what her plastic surgeon has done for her. When dots send you into spells of vertigo, you become somewhat distracted and can't focus, but now I can readily see that Miss Erika has spent her money wisely. Hef, be a sport and call her.
It turns out that Erika is costumed to coordinate with "The Clambake from Hell," the HGs Food Challenge for the week. Each of them is supposed to eat a dish from "under the sea," and those who complete the task will win food for a day. Anyone who fails to eat the delicacy set before him will forfeit nourishing meals in favor of pb&j. Jun is first, and after much encouragement from the others, is able to scarf down some sort of fish (don't laugh). Next is Justin, who cannot stomach something coated in chili sauce. Robert goes full-speed into a plate of tuna fish eyeballs (here's looking at you, kid) and Jee is able to eat liver. Alison joins Justin in losing the challenge by spitting up the pieces of octopus she tried to swallow. So the HGs will eat pb&j for two days (one of you call me the minute Jun gets up).
As giddy as we all are about Erika's new apparel, I think it would be appropriate to celebrate this auspicious occasion in song. Please feel free to join in:
"Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore....
It was an itsy-bitsy teeny weenie basic black, no-spots bikini
That she wore for the first time today
An itsy-bitsy teeny weenie check-those-boobs-out black bikini
That makes a rabbit_wish she_were gay"
Hoppy trails,
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