| Author |
Message |
Bunny
Member
09-01-2000
| Thursday, June 24, 2004 - 8:47 pm 
So you've been chosen for the cast of BB5, eh? Well, I'm sure you know that there are rules (the ones from CBS) and then there are RULES (the ones from Bunny). I'll leave it up to you to decide which ones are more important to follow. (Hint: Mine.) Anyway, here they are, so start taking notes.
Rule No. 1: Wow us. If you're boring, Bunny will call attention to your total lack of entertainment value. It may win you the game (see "Lisa - BB3" and/or "Jun - BB4"), but we couldn't care less who walks away with the money. Show us "wild." Show us "crazy." Show us private parts coated in peanut butter.
Rule No. 2: No more flowered shorts. It's been done. Twice. Wear something metallic or frothy. Or make sure we never see you without your antenna or magic cape. We don't care if you're comfortable. We want clothing that we're willing to bid on when it hits Ebay.
Rule No. 3: No more nose-pickers. It's been done. Twice. My booger joke collection has been exhausted. If you insist on picking something, make it your butt.
Rule No. 4: If a mime shows up, tickle him. It's your duty to force him to make noise. If folks from "Survivor" show up, tell them we're so over Eating Worms and Crap. If Hardy shows up, tattoo a rabbit's paw on his right bicep. The right side means he's straight, right?
Rule No. 5: Dance for us. The Bunny Hop is acceptable, but it doesn't make you look funny enough. We prefer dancing that YOU think is cool, but then you find out later that everyone was snickering behind your back. Kind of like when John Mellencamp does that little scoot thing.
Rule No. 6: Get drunk. This is even better than dancing. The all time best entertainment is dancing WHILE drunk, of course [insert Josh Souza footage]. If CBS doesn't provide you with enough alcohol, call me. I can burrow under the house with two kegs and a crate of Boone's Farm in no time.
Rule No. 7: Don't talk to the camera. You can moon it, but don't talk to it.
Rule No. 8: Tell Bunny how much you love her. Leave her a carrot on the bed, or fashion her likeness out of a wash rag like they do on cruise ships. Better yet, write her a song. "Bunny, yesterday my life was filled with rain...."
Rule No. 9: Be a cry baby. Cry because you don't like your bed. Cry because your cereal is soggy. Cry because your mother is watching and you just announced on live TV that you saw her naked . Most of all, cry because "Yes, Dear" has been canceled and it was your only shot at extending your "15 minutes."
Rule No. 10: Get rid of any animals provided by BB. We don't like watching them, and we don't like watching you WITH them. It makes you compassionate, and that's not good TV. We want you to be the guy who tosses them over the fence.
Rule No. 11: Get a good catch phrase. But not on purpose. Instead of something like Monica's "It's on!" or Danielle's "Scandalous!," I want something more like Jee's "Stop dwinking!" Or maybe Alison's "Who wants to sleep with me tonight?" or Shannon's "Is enough of my rear end hanging out of my bathing suit?" or Tonya's "How much breast leakage is considered normal?"
Rule No. 12: If you are the resident handsome hunk, leave your shirts at home and schedule your showers for, say, noonish, when Bunny is sitting in front of her computer having lunch. Oh, and don't forget that when the shower door starts steaming up, that's your cue to play Windshield Wiper with your hands. Windshield Wiper on a very, very low windshield.
Rule No. 13: Tell your family to send fan mail to Bunny. Maybe it won't help you escape her scathing criticism, but it might get you a wine glass to go with that Boone's Farm. At the least, she may be able to get some insight as to which one of your family members is benefiting the most from having you locked up for three months.
Rule No. 14: Whatever you do, don't forget that Bunny is watching. Keep her entertained and happy. She's paying for 24-hour Live Feeds out here, you know, and that means you're going to have a lot of reimbursing to do if she doesn't get her money's worth. Use your last few days of freedom to study the greats: George,Will, Marcellas, King Jee - and if you don't have a whole game's worth of action stored up, then join the ranks of Justin and Scott with something that crosses the line and gets you booted in a hurry. She's a sucker for a guy who tries to carve up another house guest or who tells the world he's a walking disease.
Rule No. 15: Share your winnings with Bunny. It's in your contract. I promise.
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