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Bunny
Member
09-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 4:03 pm 
It's tee time!
And there's a golf course in the backyard to prove it. The feed opens with Scott wandering the green with no club to speak of, but plenty of balls. He tosses a few around, then goes inside to find Michael, who is engaged in a game of chess with Adria. Yes, I said chess. They've been in the house for five days already, so we must have missed the part where Scarecrow got his brain.
Not only has Michael had an Extreme Cerebral Makeover, but he has a new "do" as well. Someone has spiked up his hair so that it resembles the other Ryan Seacrest look-alikes in the house. The straw hat has been put aside, and the Western wear replaced with grunge, so the others have nicknamed him "Cowboy" to help keep his identity straight. Better that than "Bull Humper," I suppose.
By the way, there's a rampant forehead disease spreading through the compound. Three of the HGs are plastered in a bandage from hairline to brow. It's tied taut around the head to keep any brains from spilling out. For obvious reasons, only one layer of gauze is required. One very, very thin layer.
Scott waits on Michael to finish his chess game, then summons him to the bathroom to strategize. It seems that the two have formed an alliance with Jase and Drew called "The Horsemen." I'm beginning to see a theme emerging here: cowboys, horsemen, long lassos that appear in the pages of Playgirl. Anyway, the S--- Kickers think it's time to have a meeting about which HG needs to be the first to go home.
Scott: "All the girls hate Marvin. He's driving them nuts."
Michael: "Maybe it's the pb&j diet he's on."
Yes, the HGs are already on peanut butter the very first week in the house. It appears that Lori was offered $10,000 in return for taking all the groceries away. She took the bait, and now everyone is starving. This makes the HGs crazy, which in turn makes for good internet feeds. Unfortunately, we haven't seen any of them.
Michael: "I don't think Marvin should go first. Let the girls get him out. If we put him up and he stays, he'll go after us."
Scott: "Good thinking. We need to talk to Jase [the HOH] about it. Try to get him to have a meeting with us. I don't want anyone to see me talking to him."
Michael: "Is that because you two have a committed relationship that you're trying to hide? It hasn't been revealed who 'the couple' is in the house yet."
Scott: "No, it's because when you put us side by side, Bunny can't tell us apart. You know, the head buff, the bare chest, the spiked hair..."
Michael: "The gay pink clothing?"
Scott: "No, that's just me."
Tonight, however, Scott has chosen to forego his standard pink wardrobe for camouflage pants. I don't know what he is trying to hide. We've already seen it.
In the backyard, Holly is telling the group gathered there (Lori, Jase, Will, Marvin) a farfetched story about being kidnapped that no one believes. As soon as she leaves, the group wonders out loud how she got picked for the show.
Jase: "There are ditzy blondes with big boobs a dime a dozen out here. Why her?"
Lori: "That story didn't make sense, but why would she make it up?"
Will: "None of us would do that. We know our families are watching."
Jase: "And Bunny."
Marvin: "Yeah, that rabbit ain't no sucka. She knows whattup. I have to keep it sweet, know what I'm sayin'? I don't want that fur ball hatin' on me all up in here."
Holly is in the kitchen, dressed in an off-one-shoulder sweatshirt (very "Flashdance") with her hair in a ponytail on top of her head (very "Hullabaloo"). She is telling Scott that she is afraid of Marvin. "He stuck his hand down my butt crack." Holly, if you're lying, please refer to the previous paragraph. Marvin, if you're sticking your hand down Holly's butt crack, make sure you wash your hands.
Michael and Scott head for the hot tub, where Michael pledges true love for his fiance, "and I'll never leave her, because she stayed with me through all of this." This being the application process, the videotaped audition, the interviews. Not losing his job. Not the death of a loved one. Not cancer. But getting on BB. She stayed with him through that. So, he'll never, never, ever bid her "giddy-up."
Scott says he likes Michael's new haircut. Michael says he likes the little fuzzy dot under Scott's lip. "It's a soul patch. Not many people have them," says Scott. That's right, not many people do. And for a reason. They are easily mistaken for scratch-and-sniff patches and it gets old having people coming at you with their dirty fingernails.
Something tells me if you scratch Scott's, the top layer will be removed and you'll see a word or phrase underneath - something like "I'm hot" or "Studly Screw-right" or "See Playgirl,Vol. 7, Page 41."
A few of the girls are in the living room when BB asks Jennifer to put on her microphone. "'Jennifer?' Who's that?," asks one of them. "Why don't they say 'Nokomis?'" You see, Jennifer prefers to be called 'Nokomis,' after the character in the poem "Hiawatha." You know, "by the shores of Gitche Gume stood the wigwam of Nokomis?" Only in this case, the wigwam is outfitted with cement beds and Nokomis' Indian braids are dyed the shade of eggplant.
Marvin says the rooms in the house are painted certain colors to draw out specific behavior. "Yellow makes you wild. Blue is tranquil. That's why they painted the bathroom blue, so you would go in there. They want you in there so they can see naked ass b--ches." Marvin, blue doesn't make you want to get naked. Blue makes you want to go to sleep. And yellow doesn't make you wild - it makes you want to go to Taco Bell.
Holly wants to know if oxygen is being pumped into the house to help keep her awake "like they do in casinos in Vegas." If they're shooting oxygen through the vents, Holly, it IS for you - THAT I'll give you.
However, they don't pump oxygen into casinos. That's a myth straight out of Xanadu. Which reminds me, I know Olivia Newton-John is still making a living from singing "Grease" tunes, but whatever happened to that Michael Beck guy? Wasn't he in "Houston Knights?" I feel like a comeback is way overdue.
Holly asks everyone, "What religion are you?" Someone says Southern Baptist, someone else says Methodist, another says Catholic. "I'm Christian," says Holly. "We're all Christian," says Jase. "No," says Holly, "someone here is Catholic." Big Brother, time for another shot of Element O.
Adria decides to call it a night and heads for bed. Michael follows her to the bedroom to get some Pepto Bismol. He got drunk last night and his "innerds" are still upset. He apologizes for discussing his problem with her. "I don't like to talk about dumping." Don't worry, Cowboy. None of us heard you.
Adria heads to the bed with a Bible. She is joined by Marvin and Drew. They read a passage from James, which I believe is not only in the Christian Bible, but in the Catholic one as well.
Speaking of Drew, how cute is THAT guy? He may be enough to make me forget all about Hardy. And BB1's Josh. And angelic Jason. And curly-locked Nathan. (Whoa! It just hit me. Bunny's gone "J. Lo.") Anyway, Drew, listen to me. If you want to win my affection, you better play nice. Otherwise, you'll force me to fawn all over Willy, and that would be a complete waste of my heterosexual time.
Marvin says he wants to trap a bird, then kill it for food. He has asked BB and is waiting for an answer. I'm sure it's right there in the Bible, Marvin, if you just look. "He who smyteth one of God's feathery creatures whilst in the midst of reality TV programming shall hitherto be smacked in the biscuits and slapped upside the dome, Tyrone."
You know, I don't have any trouble understanding hip hop. I just can't understand Marvin. He talks too fast. Michael talks too slow. I can understand him, but I hear only the first half of the sentence because I spend the last half making dinner. Three courses. For a party of twelve.
Jase and Scott talk strategy in the HOH room. They decide Mike should be the one to go. They call him "The Don." (I suppose now that Brando is gone, the name was up for grabs.)
The guys think he is getting too close to the women. Cowboy Michael and Drew enter the room and agree that nominating him is a good idea. Of course, we all know that it has nothing to do with his relationship with the women in the house and everything to do with the fact that he's the closest to Death's door. They want to get him out of there before he drops dead of Old People's disease. The only reason the kids from BB4 kept Jack around so long was because he worked for the FBI and they were afraid. The only scary thing about Mike is the tank tops he wears.
Talk turns to the first food challenge. Scott: "Did you see Cowboy on that treadmill? Cowboy is the definition of 'hussle.'" I was thinking that he was the definition of "BB patsy brought in to raise ratings," but what do I know?
You see, Michael figured out that Gitche Gume is his sister. They were sitting around the pool when he asked, "Who's your daddy?" It took a sec for Nokomis to realize that Michael wasn't suggesting a little "Have you been a bad girl?" role play, and was indeed inquiring about her paternal lineage.
Michael: "Did you ever wish you had a big brother? One who could love and protect you, and who would teach you how to ride a bike and how to drive, and who had friends that would pay him to let them look in your underwear drawer?"
Jennifer/Nokomis/Gitche Gume: "Yes."
Michael: "Well, you do now. We have the same pappy."
At the door on summer evenings
Sat the little Hiawatha
Sounds of music; words of wonder
"Minne-wawa" said the pine trees,
"Mudway-ashka!" said the water.
"You're my bubba??!" squealed Nokomis.
This isn't the only DNA twist to befall the game. We also have twins in the house that will be switched around periodically. I'm keeping my paws crossed that there are two of Drew, and that one of them needs a place to hide out between entrances.
Jase gets Holly alone and tells her that one of the girls in the house really hates her. "She is probably intimidated by you because you are so perfect."
Holly: "I need to know who it is, so I can be nice to her."
Jase: "Isn't there someone who, when you say something, acts a little weird?"
Holly: "Adria?
Jase: "No."
Holly: "Nokia?"
Jase: "Nokomis? No."
Holly: "Bunny?"
Jase: "Well, yeah, but she doesn't hate you. She just wants to muzzle you. The laugh, you know? She still hasn't recovered from that chick on 'The Nanny.'"
Holly: "Then it must be Diane."
Jase: "I don't want to tell you. I don't want to stir the pot."
Holly: "Why? Do you think I'm The Mole?"
Apparently no one has bothered to tell Holly that she has somehow gotten onto the wrong game show.
After all of this twin switching and pull-a-sister-out-of-a-hat programming, I'm not sure I have the right show either, but I'll take it. It's all we've got until "Big Brother UK" comes out in video.
Hoppy trails,
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