| Author |
Message |
Bunny
Member
09-01-2000
| Sunday, August 01, 2004 - 8:00 pm 
Adria/Natalie is the first one up very early this morning. She's from Alabama so she's used to getting up with the chickens. I love people from Alabama. They're the only ones I've ever met who know how to cook possum on the grill and who can make pansies thrive in a toilet seat in the front yard.
Cowboy shares memories of his days working at Walmart. He didn't feel that his skills were really appreciated there. "I were next in line fer to be the intercomma announcer - you know, fer the specials and such? And them jerks in management says I weren't no good at it. They says I were always mixin' up words, which really hurt me, since I took a lot of proud in my work."
Scott and Jase tease him about using the word "proud" incorrectly, but are soon distracted by their images in the mirror. (It happens every time they pass one.) It's time for the ceremonial donning of the head gear for the day. They call them "mandanas," but that's a misnomer. It implies that they are being worn by men.
Jase is upset to find that he has developed a cold sore on his lip. Holly says this makes it impossible for her to kiss him goodbye if she is evicted tonight. "It's a disease - it's herpes - and I don't want to catch it. Cats can die from that."
Jase: But you're not really a cat, Holly. You're soft like a cat, and you purr like a cat, and you like to lick my armpit which I'm not sure cats like to do, but I know they enjoy licking themselves...."
Holly: Jase, I'm an itty bitty kitty cat and you're a fireman, so I need you to rescue me tonight.
Jase: Of course, sweetie-kins. Just give me time to upchuck myself into fighting condition.
The HGs are wondering what kind of HOH competition they'll have to participate in tonight. "Will we have to sit in water that has smelly s--t in it?" asks Marvin. Only if Scott gets in before you do.
That's really not true. Scott is taking more showers now. The hiney is shiny, and all that. He's truly learned a lesson, both in hygiene and in the way he's been playing the game. Confucious say, "He who full of crap, tend to leave nasty mark." He's taking that motto to heart.
Everyone is scurrying about for the Live Show ("Scamper, squirrels, scamper!," says Cowboy) and Jase asks Karen to use her eyeliner to paint a tattoo on his arm. It looks like it says "Mom" from far away, but if you get up close, you can see that it actually says, "Mo' Better Bunny." I appreciate that, Jase, I really do - but I'm not kissing you either.
Which reminds me, is there a BB Gross-out Hall of Fame for those who make their name in the house with germy hands, boogers, warts, dirty butts, gas problems, and vomit? If not, I'd like to start one.
It's time for the show, and Julie Chen soon reaches the moment where the evictee is announced. She asks Holly if she has anything to say to the HGs in the event that she is evicted, and Holly replies that she wants to confess something: she actually HAS farted, but only once - when her mannequin forced her to eat a mozzarella stick.
Holly: "Julie, I also have some gifts for Jase. Here, Shmoopy, I want to leave you one of my Polly Pocket kitty cats, my thong that you like to wear, and this pink J. Lo hat (Hey, how did THAT get back in here? ERIKA!?) And remember, every jar of peanut butter in the kitchen has a little piece of me in it."
Holly, by a vote of 7-1, is evicted because she's just too sweetie sweet sweet for words, among other reasons, which are best laid out in the lyrics of one Mr. Adam Ant:
You don't eat, you don't kiss
What do you do
You don't think, you don't fart
What do you do
You're always double-dipping and you're
Tinkling in a bucket
When they heard you giggling
It was more than they could take
And they thought that your makeup
Was a little bit too caked, too caked
They were all just jealous
Of your beauty, cats, and doll
Even the boys wanted to be you
And that was your downfall, downfall
You don't burp, you don't cook
What do you do
You don't clean, you don't spell
What do you do
I know you have a mannequin but
I don't think that's good to tell people
Holly sits with Julie Chen to listen to her good-bye messages, including one from Adria and Natalie that reveals the twin twist. Holly is stunned by it. Julie asks, "Did you know there was a twin in the house?" Holly says, "Yeah, but I thought it was me!"
Adria and Natalie also give a shout-out to Bunny, which is nice and all, but my promise to back off in return for a public declaration of adoration only applies to one of you. You can't bring a teeny beanie baby in there and expect it to be enough to cover two people. Hardly.
It's time for the HOH challenge. All of the HGs head for the backyard where they find life-size cardboard twins of themselves, each of which contains a light-activated buzzer on the mouth. "Put your hand over the buzzer," instructs Julie. "If you uncover it, the buzzer will sound and you will be eliminated from the competition. You must also remain on the pedestal without stepping over the black line."
A few of the more narcissistic HGs are so excited to see a big paper doll version of themselves that they don't hear a word Julie says. "My hair doesn't look good," says Scott. "I hate that photo of me," says Jase. "Yeah, I reckon that pitcher were taken back when my hat not smushed is," says Cowboy with a touch of Yoda AND Billy Bob Thornton.
The HGs begin the game, and the first one to fail is Nokomis. She quits on purpose because she needs a cigarette - or a drag off the old peace pipe, as it were. Next out is Karen, answering to the call of her own addiction, which is just as relaxing as Nokomis's but a tad bit messier.
The Horsemen think they have it all sewn up with the girls beginning to drop, until Cowboy announces that he's about to wet his pants. "Y'all, I done brung my li'l pardner here, and he can reach the buzzer all by hisself. But he's had too much to drink at the trough and needs to find a fence." His cowpoke comrades don't want Michael to leave the challenge, so they encourage him to open the barn door and let the little buckaroo do his thing. Cowboy agrees to it, takes out his sharp shooter, and aims it straight down his shoe. "Them's mighty big boots to fill, little Willie!," he says. "You make me take a lot of proud in you."
Marvin thinks that, with his pedestal next to Adria's, he'll have no problem staying in the game with such an excellent view. "CBS did it right. They put Booty-licious next to the brotha!" Licious shakes that which Marvin covets, hoping to disarm him enough to topple him from his pedestal. Will, on the other side of Marvin, tries to do the same thing, but it has no effect whatsoever - except on Bunny, who SO wants Will to be the Andy Warhol to her Bianca Jagger. Drew, who can't participate in the competition, brings out pizza and a huge gallon-sized glass of beer, which tempts no one after having watched Cowboy p-ss himself.
Michael isn't the only marksman in town, however. Jase also cocks and fires his rifle, but, unlike Cowboy, he carefully avoids hitting his shoes, since they are identical to the ones that Brad Pitt wore in "Oceans Eleven" and will probably wear again in "Oceans Twelve." Jase tries hard not to worry about the fact that he just urinated on television, figuring that Brad would have done the same thing had he gotten his start on a reality show rather than "Another World."
In spite of his courage and bravery in the HOH showdown, Cowboy is the next one to bite the dust. His shoulder gives out and he loses his chance to continue. He's so upset by his ousting that he goes inside the house to have a good ol' crocodile cry. "I choked out there," he sobs to Drew. "I thought I was gonna flush 'em all out and fetch my posse the HOH."
Drew: But, dude, why did you pee out there in front of everybody? Didn't you learn anything from Holly?
Cowboy: Haven't you heard that old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you cain't make him hold hisself after he drinks it?"
Michael says he's going to go back out in the backyard and support his boys. "And I'm not going to eat or drink until the challenge is over." He also continues to wear his urine-soaked clothing as a sign of support, not thinking for a moment that it's really not one. Seriously. (Note to self: Add another category to the new Hall of Fame.)
One by one, Scott, Marvin, Adria, and Will fall out of the game - Scott by reaching over to pat his own cardboard rear end - leaving Diane and Jase to battle it out to the finish. They last almost ten hours, a BB HOH challenge record. In the end, Jase moves his foot and is eliminated, leaving Diane to claim the gold medallion. This is good news for Drew since it means he can continue sleeping in the HOH room, but, of course, it's bad news for Bunny, since it means Drew can continue sleeping in the HOH room.
All in all, it's been a bad day for Jase. First he grows a canker, which will undoubtedly label him in Hollywood as an insurance risk. Then, he loses his pussycat, who's been let out to run loose in alleys, hoping to find a bowl of soy milk. And finally, the fireman is unable to save himself from burning in the HOH competition, where he's fried to a crisp by his girlfriend's arch enemy. It's enough to make a guy p-ss himself. If he hasn't already, that is.
Hoppy trails,
|
|
